These aren't Ash's mood swings but mine. By the end of every day I've usually figured everything out and all, or almost all, is right with the world. However first thing in the morning is a different matter. Since the day of his diagnosis Ash has been emotionally distant and nothing underlines this more than me reaching for his hand when we wake up only to find that he doesn't respond. I am so used to being the centre of his world and the reason for his smiles that this is very disconcerting. We got together a year before I took my 'O' levels (GSCEs for young things reading this) and the day my results came through the post had the potential for disaster. As you may imagine I hadn't spent the year totally focused on school and only managed to scrape one B and one C. My mum wasn't impressed. Luckily Ash was around and spent the whole day lifting my spirits and making me laugh out loud (also luckily somehow the school was persuaded to let me move on to 6th form, I knuckled down and managed to get some decent results further down the line so all was not lost). Since then he has always managed to make me feel the most important person in his world but that feeling is sometimes a little lacking nowadays. This is not his fault and I understand that however it still feels strange. There are times the old Ash shines through and he still manages to get excited about the smallest of things, he also laughs more now than he has for a long time but selfishly what I find sad is that he doesn't feel a need to cheer me up and, even more sad, doesn't even notice it's necessary. On the bright side at least there is still much to laugh about!