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Showing posts from January, 2022

First the dog, now the camera

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Just when I thought we were back on an even keel it seems the camera's broken.   The two loves of Ash's life nowadays are Max and the camera, in that order and with me being so far down the list I'm almost negligible.  As you know I've been nurturing Max while Jake and I have also been keeping a close eye on the camera with a plan in place for when it finally gives up the ghost. Ash takes, on average, 500 photos a month and each week I upload them onto his laptop so that he doesn't lose them.  They're almost always of the same things and if you're ever in need of a photo showing a church, a village pub or views over fields I know just where to locate such a thing and all you need to do is let me know. So the camera was working perfectly this morning.  It's very old and battered nowadays but Ash is used to it and I'm slowly learning what all the different switches are for so we're both relatively happy with the thing and all was well went we set o

Gadgets!!

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 I decided today that I really am a gadget girl. Until dementia entered our lives almost all of the gadgets in this household belonged to Ash and many of them still take up space in various dark corners of the house and sheds.  The problem is that they're all either too heavy for me or a total mystery. My own collection began with a small saw which I use to cut lengths of wood ready for turning into kindling for the fire.  Then there's the sander, bought when I was creating my bedroom; there's the nameless thing I use to trim shrubs in the garden, the cordless lawnmower and, of course, my beloved chainsaw.  All are the right size and weight for me, make my life so much easier and provide hours of fun so what's not to like?   I thought I had all the gadgets I needed but then, after weeks of peering through gloom, I spotted a contraption which might just let some light into the house.  It was half price so I ordered it while I still felt some enthusiasm for cleaning windo

Another lesson learned

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 I really should have known better.   For weeks it seems Ash and I have been battling over the use of the chainsaw.  I didn't think he should be using it and he saw no reason why he shouldn't.  I tried, uselessly of course, to point out the difficulties, my stomach churned every time we needed more wood for the fire and on a regular basis he would shout at me because I was taking yet another job away from him. In the end I caved in.  I couldn't cope with one more heated discussion on the subject so held my hands up and said 'ok'.  There were several false starts but eventually we came to a compromise, the main one being that he used my lightweight chainsaw rather than his petrol one which I can't even lift from the shelf.  This made me feel a little better and, when I saw how careful he was with it, I relaxed.  I did however make sure it was a joint effort.  I placed each log in the contraption which keeps it steady then put my hand on the end of it (far away fr

Would I go back?

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If I could turn the clock back to our pre-dementia days would I?  That's a question I found myself asking today.  No particular reason but it was the middle of the night, I'd just been woken for the second time and I had at least a few minutes to kill before I got back to sleep and possibly longer.  In the event sleep came quite quickly but this morning the question nudged at my mind once again and I wondered how I felt. There were of course so many lovely things about our old life and those parts I would like to have again but there are skills that I've gained, personality traits I've discovered and experiences I've had just because dementia came into our lives.  Those things have become such a huge part of this new me that I'd hate to lose them and so I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've certainly gained in confidence; I find I can tackle almost any difficulty life throws my way; I'm happy in my own company; I'm able to walk away from anything that

An 'inspired' idea

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 'Inspired' was the word used by Jake when I told him my plan for yesterday and I really think it was. As you  know, on Sunday I was feeling exhausted and down and could see no way out but then I had one of my light bulb moments. In our pre-dementia days Ash and I used to go on holiday a lot.  We both had busy lives and getting away meant we could spend time together and chill.  One of the things I hated about certain trips however was the overnight flight back at the end of the two weeks; I felt sick, dizzy and worried about the drive home on very little sleep.  I hated it all so much that I did a little investigating and discovered a website called www.Dayuse.com where you can rent a hotel room for a few hours during the day. Now I'm sure people have various reasons for wanting to book a hotel room during the day but one of them has to be to have somewhere to grab a few hours sleep after a long flight and before a long drive home.  We used the site twice and it worked pe

A willing carer?

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 Mopping floors this morning and trying to divert my mind I found myself thinking about this new role of mine.  It's a role I would never have volunteered for, never have thought I'd be any good at and never have imagined myself to have the patience for but here I am and here I'll stay for as long as it takes. But why? some people will ask and I've thought about this too.  About the difference between 'willingly' and 'selflessly' and which applies to me; about whether I'm selfish as some people might think when my life doesn't revolve entirely around Ash and how balancing it all makes life better for us both. So first of all, do I do it 'willingly'?  Yes, absolutely.  Never for a moment have I thought of giving up or leaving Ash to it not even in the early days when he could still look after himself.  We're in this together and I'll do the best I can while I can. Do I do it 'selflessly'? Absolutely not.  I had to look the

Ups and downs

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 We've had a few ups and downs over the past couple of days but the very best of the ups came with a phone call last night from the vet.  The results of Max's tests were in and it's not cancer so I can now breathe a sigh of relief and begin to relax a little.  Apparently he had e-coli which, although serious, is obviously not the end of the world as long as it's treated and it's most definitely been treated.  In fact I'd go so far as to say that currently Max seems to think he's a puppy once again and I think he might just have been feeling poorly for quite a while.  We have to take him back for a check up in four weeks time but for now there's nothing more to report. As for the downs they first made themselves known when Ash came downstairs this morning wearing two polo shirts.  As you know he wears identical outfits every day and each one, at least in winter, consists of thin thermal underwear, black trousers, black polo shirt and black sweatshirt.  He

A treat is in store

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 I'm so tired at the moment that I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  Since Christmas, every morning I've looked at my reflection in the mirror and wondered where the life has gone from my face.  I couldn't see a way out, at least not yet.  I have a week away booked in May with the help of S and Jake but I really didn't see how I was going to last. I do have coping strategies of course, ways of switching off and short term bolt holes.  I have my walks with friends, my coffee mornings, I have my Sunday afternoon pamper sessions and I have my lovely bedroom with it's table and chairs but even they aren't quite hitting the spot at the moment. The walks and coffees are lovely but I think we're now closer than ever to the time when I won't be able to leave Ash on his own so that's looming and whenever I'm out I wonder how he's coping.. My baths too aren't always the perfect event.  Last Sunday was a really busy day and I

Pride comes before a fall

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 As you know I was very, very pleased with myself over my handling of Wednesday but I really should have known better. Yesterday wasn't quite a disaster but we came close.  Ash was tired and confused from the moment he came downstairs in the morning and things didn't improve much.  He didn't want to walk with me, he didn't want to help with the wood but then shouted because I did it without him, he was sullen and cross almost all of the day and I really struggled to find something to put in the positivity pot last night.  I went to bed with a slightly heavy heart and dreading today. This morning I resolved to do better and we've had a lovely day.  I'd love to be able to say that it was all down to my efforts but if I'm honest the day began on a better note and I just managed to keep it all on track.  We went into town this morning and there was conversation, smiles and photography.  After lunch we went to our favourite cafe at the beach and sat in the sunshi

A quiet day does the trick

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 We've had a busy couple of days and those take their toll when dementia's involved. On Monday Ash took S on a tour of his home town showing her where he grew up, where he went to school, where he played and so on.  They walked, had lunch out, walked again and got home quite late.  Ash apparently was engaged all day including the drive home and happy to show me the photos he'd taken on the tour. Tuesday saw him meeting up with an old friend where once again he was chatty, engaged and interested. In contrast when Ash got up this morning he was more confused than I've seen him for quite a while and it took several cups of tea for the fog to clear.  He couldn't remember where he took Max for his early morning walk, he forgot that after the walk he has his breakfast and so on including taking so long to undo his boot laces that by the time he'd finished he thought he was putting the boots on and so did them up again.   I've learnt a lot over the past four years

It's not a bad life

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 Still no test results for Max but I can tell you that he's so lively I'm beginning to realise he hasn't been himself for a while.  So we still have everything crossed but I'm much more hopeful of a healthy outcome than I was this time last week. As for us we've had a nice couple of days.  Yesterday I walked into the living room to find Ash watching a detective programme that used to be one of our favourites.  It's one of those shows which takes two hours to tell you who the murderer is and it's a very long time since Ash has been able to focus for that long so, when I joined him on the sofa I didn't have any expectation of watching to the end.  How wrong I was.  We spent those two hours chatting about what was happening on screen, admiring the scenery and getting more and more involved in the story.  At one point I did have the thought that maybe I was wasting a chunk of my day but then realised that this was exactly what we needed at that particular ti

The kindness of friends

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Bad couple of hours yesterday when Ash had a meltdown because I'd taken the chainsaw to a pile of wood that apparently he was perfectly capable of dealing with himself.  I was tired and still stressed over Max so of course didn't deal with it well and shouting was involved on both sides. Woke with a feeling of gloom/doom this morning but then S arrived and I escaped to spend a perfectly lovely day with a friend.  We were supposed to be going on a long walk but when she read a few days ago about Max and about Ash getting me up in the early hours she messaged me.  Being the amazing friend she is there was a recognition that a long walk in the cold and the wet probably wasn't the best way to spend my day off.  Instead a day of coffee and lunch somewhere warm and dry with a nice gentle stroll somewhere to finish was suggested.  Those things were just what I needed and I finished my trip out feeling much, much better than when I set out.   Got home to find Ash once more in a str

Keeping track of the good

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 First for the good news.  Max is home.  We collected him last night and, contrary to my fears, he slept all night as did Ash so we all woke feeling much better this morning. A slight difficulty, which I'm hoping won't last too long, is that Ash is now reluctant to take Max for a walk because, I think, he can't cope with the responsibility.  So that's one of the few remaining jobs that still belonged to Ash which appears to have been added to my list. We may get past it but I'm not banking on it.  Now we just have to wait for those all important test results so watch this space and I'll let you know when we get them. On another subject, but linked in a way, I thought I might tell you about my New Year resolution.  In the past I didn't believe in making these mostly because they generally involved losing weight, getting fit or doing something else that seemed fraught with difficulty.  I wouldn't be able to stick to any of them so why bother. Now things ar

A potential crisis

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I was going to come on here to explain why I haven't written anything for the past few days.  I was going to tell you about how exhausted I've been ever since Christmas Day.  It's all very odd because Christmas itself went very well but all I've wanted to do ever since is sleep.  I've been napping at least three times a day and seem to have shuffled through the parts of each day where I haven't been asleep.   I haven't replied to emails, I haven't posted much on facebook and I certainly haven't given you a daily account of my life all because my energy levels have been the lowest I've experienced for a very long time.  I put it down to the stress involved in the build up to Christmas which was obviously much higher than I realised and I apologise now for the lack of communication.  My New Year resolution is to do better. That, then, was what I was going to write about but that was until last night when we had to take Max to the vet.  He was there