Memory for two

 Sorry for the lack of posts over the last few days but I've struggled a bit since my day off was cancelled.  I was fine on Thursday which was the day that was actually affected but that's because I was prepared and determined.  I kept myself occupied and my chin up.  Friday was dreadful, Saturday morning was fun because it involved a walk with friends, Saturday afternoon, Sunday and Monday were dreadful and I couldn't shake off my feeling of gloom.  Then we moved in to today and I was back on track. Coffee with an old work colleague of Ash's gave us the excellent start we needed.  She brought photos and not only that but photos with names underneath which meant he could put those names to the faces and then brought to mind other memories about where they'd been, what they'd done and you could almost see him grow in stature as he remembered who he used to be.  It really was lovely to see. We got home from that to find friends and neighbours in the chur...

 Spent the early part of today in despair just because, for dementia related reasons, a much anticipated event had to go ahead without me.  This looked as though it would shape my whole day but then I realised that missing out on a 60th birthday picnic lunch was, in reality, a first world problem and there are others out there going through much, much worse.   I wish I'd been there, I missed joining in the fun but I decided it couldn't possibly be the end of the world.  How though to shake off the feeling of gloom and help dry up the tears?  I started with the treadmill, walking while listening to a Paul McKenna podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9yc3MuaG9zdGluZy50aGlzaXNkYXguY29tLzVjZDVlM2Q2LWZiOGItNDdkOS1iNTY0LTIxODI4OGM4MWZkOA?sa=X&ved=0CAMQ4aUDahcKEwiwqbrPpc_yAhUAAAAAHQAAAAAQAQ&hl=en-GB .  In this one Paul talks to Jenny Seagrove about how she stays positive when life gets difficult and was just what I needed. ...

 I love my new seating area next to my bookshelves and all the moving around of furniture was definitely worth it.  The look is exactly what I wanted but there have also been two unexpected but very welcome bonuses. The first is that I've taken to having my coffee in that room with Ash instead of in my bedroom just because the new layout puts the chairs in front of the window and at the opposite end of the room to the tv which is constantly switched to 'on'.  Both of these things mean that it's the perfect place to read my current book and, because of that we're spending just a little more time together. The second bonus involves Max the dog.  He was 12 at the beginning of May and his age has me worried.  He's been at Ash's side both in the house and out for many, many years and I've wondered often what will happen if he dies and suddenly he's no longer in his that space.  As Ash began spending more and more time in front of the tv he'd taken to ...

I have to admit that life has been a little difficult since I got back last Thursday, not so much because of Ash but because I've found it difficult to settle back into my humdrum life. Against all expectations however yesterday was a good day.  I didn't have high hopes because Ash was up and wandering at 1am and in the morning I had that usual lack-of-sleep feeling of having been hit over the head with a cricket bat.  I had my shower and breakfast then laid on the bed feeling very sorry for myself - if only......., why? what if ......, all of those thoughts that go round in my head when I'm tired and I almost gave up on the day.  Then I realised this was entirely up to me.  I could spend the day doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself or I could get up and do something practical, something with an end result and one where I could see I'd made a difference. For the past few weeks I've been looking at the sitting room in an evening and wishing I could re-arrange e...

We have a digital photo frame which stands on the windowsill in the kitchen right in front of the kettle.  Ash has always been in charge of it and used to change the photos on a regular basis but recently, as with many other things, he's forgotten all about it and the odd time he's remembered he hasn't known how to add photos or even how it works.   A few weeks ago I disconnected it and put it to one side, then last week I saw it and decided to take it to the charity shop but then I had an idea.  Not only do we have digital photos but we also have proper photos, taken long ago and showing us in our early days together so I suggested to Ash that we went through them and chose some that we really liked.  We started on Friday afternoon and once I had a small pile I scanned them into my laptop and copied them onto that all important photo frame. The same thing happened today and now we've been through all the albums but there are still boxes and boxes to look throug...

 As you know I thought I'd covered every eventuality; the planning for my trip had been done in minute detail and nothing was left to chance or so I thought.  What I hadn't ever considered, not for a moment, was that we would have intermittent power cuts from the moment I got up on Tuesday morning until just before I left four hours later.  None of the cuts lasted longer than a couple of minutes but they were enough to knock out the internet, to cut off the washing machine, to affect my shower and, most importantly, to set me on edge.  And of course my uncertainties affected Ash so by the time L arrived he was in one of the worst moods I've seen in months. I had however managed to get my stuff in the car without him seeing so as soon as L walked in the house I was out of the door and on my way but with a sinking feeling in  my stomach which didn't want to go away. In May I went South, this time I went North, not quite so far but a long enough drive to settle my ...

 We had the week away at the end of May when Jake stayed and then the overnight with L taking my place both of which worked well.  Now we're going one step further with L coming for three days and two nights while I go to stay with friends I haven't seen for months.  I can't begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to it but there is also a slight trepidation that this might just be a step too far.  However just as much planning has gone into this as went into the whole week when I disappeared to the other end of the country and if all that planning pays off we'll be ok. The information folder has been updated; I've packed my case without Ash noticing; I've bought extra food because if he's the slightest bit anxious he eats; I have my vet friend on stand-by in case of emergency; Ash and L have been invited out for coffee in the village in the morning with the possibility of more social get togethers afterwards; Jake will be at the end of the phone ...

 My question today was going to begin with the words 'Do you ever  .......' but the minute I started to type I realised that was the most stupid thing in the world to ask.  Stupid because those words were to be followed by '...........wish you were in a normal relationship?' and I may be wrong here but I can't imagine anyone in this situation not wishing that, at least every so often.  So my question instead is 'how often do you wish you were in a normal relationship?'  Is it every day, once a week, once a month or have you been doing this so long that you've forgotten what a normal relationship looks and feels like so you barely give it a thought? I ask because I've had an odd sort of day.  Sundays quite often grab me like that because Sundays always seem to be family days and we're not quite a family nowadays but neither am I on my own so not free to do exactly what I want. I had a lovely morning with friends at the 1940s event.  We wandered ar...

 Ever since our trip down memory lane on Tuesday Ash has been unsettled, anxious and confused culminating yesterday in our first argument in months.  He's been irritable all week but yesterday snapped at me three times in an hour and I didn't respond well, mainly I think because I was exhausted after the trauma with Max the night before. I'm really not proud of the way I reacted but it happened and something good came out of it.  We talked about why I was upset, Ash picked up where he'd left off at the beginning of the week and we got back on track so my immediate fear that we'd taken a huge step backwards turned out to be unfounded. Today he's been completely back to his old loving self and a cup of tea this afternoon at what is now our favourite beach cafe followed by a walk along the seafront went without a hitch. As my morning had been spent having breakfast with friends and tomorrow sees me joining another two friends at a 1940s event my weekend is going mu...

 Yesterday I started to tell you about the difficult start to my day when Ash came through at 4am to tell me off for talking to him about some subject he couldn't remember.  I wrote about the cup of tea I took him along with his tablets to calm him down and then about how I escaped to the beach the minute L arrived to take my place.  I told you about the relaxing time I had just lying on the sand, soaking up the sun and listening to lovely music and I was about to tell you that when I got home it was to discover he'd spent the day up and down, in and out, unable to settle at all so it was obvious that things weren't right. All of that was on this page when, at 7pm I realised that Max the dog had spent the past 2 hrs walking round and round the garden unable to settle and every other thought left my head.  Either Max had picked up on Ash's anxiety or there was something going on with him too. This was not good.  Max is at the very top of Ash's list of important f...

 A slightly ironic turn of phrase there but a trip down memory lane is exactly what we took today.  I was looking through old photos a few days ago when Ash announced he'd like to go back to Gainsborough where he grew up and drive round old haunts taking photos along the way. We set the date and today was it so off we went, camera primed and ready and Ash looking in amazement out of the car window as he recognised places he hasn't seen for a very long time. We took in lots of sights including the house where he grew up, his old schools and mine, his nan's house and the old corner shop he went to with his grandad and, finally, the town centre where he had a Saturday job  on the market.  We had lunch, wandered around and generally had a lovely time with only one brief moment of panic on my part which came at the very end of the visit. We'd gone for a final cuppa at one of the coffee shops which has an upstairs where you can gaze out of the window onto the square below ...

 I think the weather affected my mood today.  Thursday, Friday and Saturday were lovely and saw me out and about with friends on each of those days but today I felt sad and the only thing I can think is that the world outside was damp and grey and so was I. Ash had been no different, in fact yesterday afternoon saw us having a cup of tea at the seaside followed by a lovely walk along the promenade in the sunshine and this morning was coffee at a new, now favourite, cafe half an hour's drive away but this afternoon I felt just a little sad and sorry for myself.  Sorry that my world isn't as I thought it would be, isn't as I want it to be and I feel my life is on hold as everyone else's carries on around me. This is nonsense of course.  My life could be so much worse than it is.  Ash continues to be lovely to me, he's happy for the vast majority of the time now and things are definitely better than they have been for a very long time but somehow today it wasn't en...

 Lovely, lovely day out with friends today.  A whole six and a half hours with hardly any rushing, an excellent lunch and a wander round a garden made particularly interesting because one of my amazing friends knows about these things and could tell us all we needed to know. Ash was left behind but definitely not home alone.  He had the pleasure of L's company and between them they made the usual cheese scones and cooked chilli which was ready and waiting for me when I got back.  On top of that they went into town for tea and cake and seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Before I went out I did have a moment of revelation.  Usually I leave cash for L to pay for the tea and cake but, for some reason, this morning I realised how much nicer it would be for Ash to pay for it so handed the money to him instead.  You could almost see his confidence grow as he found the wallet he hasn't used for months and put the note inside.  Think from now I'm goi...

 I struggled this morning just because I didn't sleep well which meant I was tired.  On top of that Ash was particularly confused and I don't deal well with his confusion when I'm tired.   The thing that made it all bearable was the fact that the new carer was coming at 2, not for long but long enough for me to get to the beach, have a snooze in the sun and then get back in time for tea.  The difficulty was that we had to get through to her arrival with Ash becoming more and more anxious. Unfortunately she didn't arrive but, fortunately, the sun still shone and the sunbeds were waiting on the patio so I quickly suggested we went out into the garden for some rest and relaxation. The end result was that I still spent the afternoon in the sun doing not much at all, just doing it alongside Ash rather than without him. Tonight I'm hoping for a good night's sleep and tomorrow the lovely L will be here all day so a trip out with friends beckons. Life could still be so ...

As you know, since I came home from my week away life has been infinitely better.  Ash has been so much nicer to me that sometimes it's almost like having the old him around.  He's fun, he laughs and he's not quite so anxious all of which make life easier.  In fact several people have wondered whether he might be getting better or have assumed that those few adjustments have meant our life is just as it used to be. Of course it's not as it used to be, it never will be, and yesterday we had a prime example of how far he is from the old Ash.    In 1999 he set to and built a brick and tiled veranda along the back of the house.  It was his most ambitious project to date and the result is his pride and joy to this day.   Over the years it's had many uses.  We've sheltered from the sun under it, we've put tables under it and had suppers with friends while rain fell all around, Ash rigged up a hammock under the roof and used to lay in it laptop bala...

 At the beginning of last week I told you that I was back on track with blog posts.  Obviously I lied but in my defence I'll just say that I'd forgotten how exhausting it is to have a 7 year old in the house, however well behaved he is, and especially when he's not your 7 year old.   We had the loveliest week though so the exhaustion was worth it and, to top it all off, when Jake came to collect him he stayed another couple of nights so I could go to a wedding.   The wedding was only half an hour from home but, on the basis that Jake was here to look after Ash, I treated myself and booked into a hotel for the two nights, went to a wedding where I knew the bride, groom and the bride's two sons but not another soul and had the most fantastic time. Because of the hotel and the absence of Ash, the morning before the wedding was completely stress free, I'd bought a new dress, hat, handbag and shoes so felt good, found lots of friendly people to talk to, danced t...