Memory for two

 My first post for nineteen days.  How on earth did that happen? I was going to say that I don't know but I think I do,  I've had writers block and every time I've sat down at my computer I've struggled to find a starting point and, as is my way when I attempt something difficult, I gave up before I started.   It's not just that, however, it's more that I'm tired of it all.  I'm physically tired, emotionally exhausted and weary to my soul.  The joy has gone, although there's still fun to be had.  I still have outings with friends where we chat, drink coffee, laugh and generally enjoy each other's company; Jake came over for Mother's Day and the three of us had the loveliest day; Ash and I go out most days and quite often find something to smile about; I get days out on my own while S stays with Ash and that's more than lots of people in my situation have but, increasingly, I find it's not enough. I'm living someone else's life

 Having got over the dreaded lurgy from last week I started today full of energy and have finished it with a sense of achievement and fingers crossed that this continues. So 'what produced the smiles' I hear you ask and I have to tell you that it was a random selection of activities ranging from dancing in the tanning booth to firewood collecting to wielding the chainsaw and axe to using the new window cleaning gadget. I've also arranged for someone to come and quote for erecting three sections of fencing needed in the garden and ordered a new trolley so I can clear the rubbish which has gathered in front of the old fencing.  Reading that back it doesn't seem a huge amount but I have a feeling of gathering back control and that always makes me feel good.  Oh and the sunshine really, really helped. Don't forget you can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the

 Exhaustion is a given when you care for someone 24 hours a day and most of the time I use strategies to cope with it but sometimes those strategies just aren't enough.  It began on Friday morning when the skin on my face became dry and I was so tired I couldn't think straight.  By evening my eyes felt full of grit and I couldn't keep them open and then, horror of horrors, I woke at 4am to find myself looking like a hamster on steroids.  My face and eyes were so swollen I could barely see.  I took an antihistamine tablet and tried, unsuccessfully, to get back to sleep.  As this was Saturday there were no doctors around so I was at the door of the pharmacy waiting for it to open only to be told I needed to see a doctor (of course).  By Saturday afternoon my face was bright red and the swelling was only just kept under control by more antihistamine and so it went on.  For the next three days I felt dreadful, waking up every morning at 4am with the hamster impression in eviden

I had so many plans for today but things went awry from the very beginning when Ash got up for the first time at 5.15am.   At the suggestion that it wasn't time to get up he got straight back into bed but then was up again at 5.45 and then once more at 6.15 which is when I gave in and went down to make the tea. Usually I have at least 45 minutes to myself before he's ready for tea but not this morning so no time to myself, combined with being woken at 5.15, sent my brain into lockdown from the off. I really did make an effort to lift both the exhaustion and my mood by dressing nicely to go for my tanning session and then taking myself to one of my favourite coffee shops for a solitary cappuccino but, although it helped, it really didn't make the difference I'd hoped for so I knew I needed to come up with something else. I've mentioned lots of things that make me smile but it has never occurred to me that clearing out the bed linen cupboard might be one of them.  In