Memory for two

 I can't begin to tell you how much I'm enjoying doing up my bedroom.  If you remember I did something similar downstairs with the office but even then Ash had some input into the colour.  It's been lovely through the winter having that room as an escape but I realised this morning that I can use the bedroom in the same way.  I've been feeling just the tiniest bit down about having to sleep in a single bed but there needs to be room for the trundle bed when Jake comes with the 7 year old to stay with Ash while I have a break so there's no way round that but today I looked around the room and noticed how much space there was.  With the noticing came another light bulb moment and I ran downstairs, picked up an old pine side table we don't really use, returned to the bedroom with it, placed it next to the wicker chair and, hey presto, I can sit and drink my coffee while listening to the radio and looking out over the garden.  I did just that and it was so lovely th

Not really extreme gardening but I've had another good day.  Slight miscalculation on my part in that there weren't enough fun things on my list today so of course I ignored it and then ended up doing interesting but hidden stuff which means I've been busy clearing the wood I found last week behind the hedge only, because it was hidden, all my hard work hasn't made any obvious impact.  I did manage to fill that large hole I'd left in the wood yard though and will have plenty to go at with my chainsaw over the next few weeks so am feeling very pleased with myself.  Unfortunately my list is still intact without a black line to be seen. Still in gardening vein I have a slight problem with Ash and his hedge cutting.  He thinks he can do it but then showed yesterday that he really can't so I rang the place I bought the chainsaw from and talked to them about a cordless hedge trimmer which I would not only be able to lift off the ground but also hold aloft while I get

 Another busy day today inspired, I think, by the sunshine.  As you know I'm quite capable of getting to the end of a day having achieved absolutely nothing, and quite happy with that outcome, but today felt different.  The sun was out, the birds were singing and the world felt altogether lighter so it was obviously a day for 'doing'.  Because I understand myself well I know that I'm very capable of frittering the hours away and today I really didn't want to do that so I wrote myself a list and determined that I would work my way through it crossing jobs off as I did them.  I started with easy things such as emptying the dishwasher, putting the washing machine on etc, included some boring ones such as paperwork and then added a couple of big tasks which would be fun to do, not too difficult and would make an immediate and obvious impact.  The easy things were quickly crossed off, a couple of the boring things were done (although I admit one is on the list for tomorr

A really good night in my lovely bedroom has made all the difference even though I have several night's sleep to catch up on which, as we know, isn't a given so I'm not completely out of the woods yet.  However I'm sure it's not just the effects of last night because, in addition to that wonderful experience, today the sun is shining, this afternoon saw me getting the first dose of my Covid vaccination, lockdown is being eased and there's generally a feeling of well-being in the air.  Not only that but I'm gradually clearing out one of the sheds with a view to creating my own mini workshop (shhh, don't tell Ash) and then I can keep any tools that I buy separate from his, I'll know where everything is that I need and he won't have to hover over me anxiously watching to see if I move something important that he's going to one day need.  Life is looking up once again. Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivered straight into your inb

........................ anything else I've ever done.  Last night had been difficult so I was really struggling this morning and decided that I would spend the day doing absolutely nothing.  It wasn't long however before I realised that doing nothing meant lying on the sofa staring, zombie-like, into space and getting depressed that yet another weekend away had been cancelled due to this nasty little virus which is currently roaming the earth.  After a very short while this suddenly seemed such a waste that I turned my thinking around and decided instead that I would spend the day only doing things that I like/wanted to do.  With that in mind my day went from a blank wasteland to an hour with the chainsaw which resulted in the largest pile of wood ready for burning that I've seen in a very long time; a session with my new sander and a wooden stool I've decided to paint ready for installing in my new bedroom; a flour storm in the midst of which I baked a batch of cheese

 What do you do when you've had yet another broken night and a session of coaxing back to bed at 4.45 am?  You stay calm, join your first ever Zoom meeting of a new creative writing project, have a quick lunch followed by a video call with friends and then put together the new office chair that was delivered sometime in the midst of all that.  Other than staying awake the biggest challenge was putting together all the different components of the chair especially when Ash decided to help but I did it and am sitting on it right now as I type this blog post.  The interesting thing was that, when I unpacked it, I had no thought whatsoever of asking Ash to help whereas in the past it wouldn't have occurred to me to even glance at the instructions.  Instead he would have been on it as soon as the box came into the house and I'd just have to wait a few minutes before, quick as a flash, it would be in front of the desk just waiting for me to sit on it.  So once again, and against t

 I didn't sleep well last night so thought I was in for another zombie-like day.  Nothing to do with Ash this time and no particular reason but there you go, it happens sometimes and at least there was nothing to get going for.  One of the benefits of dementia is that I no longer go to work.  This of course has some detrimental affects on my life such as a drop in income and fewer opportunities to use my brain but it also means that if I've had a bad night I can spend the next day doing nothing.  You see? it's how you look at things that makes the difference.  So I woke up feeling slow and lethargic with no idea how the day was going to go but not expecting much from it except that I needed to go and find wood to fill the log basket.  That cheered me no end right up until I got out there, all togged up in my 'tangerine' outfit, pressed the button and ....... nothing, the battery was dead.  Back to the shed I went, stripped off all the safety gear, put the battery on

 So I've been saying that, since I've moved into my own room and have the new bedding and the new mattress, I'm sleeping better and I am or at least I would be if Ash hadn't taken it into his head a couple of nights ago that 12.30 in the morning was a good time to get up.  When Jake was little, however deeply I appeared to be sleeping, I always woke up at the first movement from his room and the same happens now with Ash especially when he opens the door at the top of the stairs and switches the staircase light on and so it was this time.  He opened his door and not only was I awake but sitting bolt upright in bed before he'd set foot on the stairs, then it was out of bed and a calm voice to coax him back to his room.  Of course he went straight back to sleep and, of course, I lay awake until I was sure there wasn't going to be a repeat performance.  I still got up at 6.30 on the basis that if I didn't I'd just sleep and sleep which would cause even more

 It's been a very strange time in dementia land over the past couple of days.  My new mattress arrived which became an adventure in itself when the delivery man took one look at the bed and announced it didn't look as though it would fit and it really didn't but I suggested we try anyway and then pushed it and prodded it, heaving a great sigh of relief as it settled into place.  Next job was to get the plastic wrapping off and replace it with my lovely new bedding until it was looking very beautiful if a little high.  This mattress is probably twice as high as the one that lived on the bed before and I realised that when I went to bed I was going to feel as though I was in the middle of a fairy tale ('The Princess and the Pea' in fact) but it really didn't matter, I was going to be comfortable and no longer feel as though I was 'going without' for Ash's sake.  A friend said a while ago that she didn't think I'd ever be a martyr and it's d

When Ash was first diagnosed I found it very difficult to rise above the dull feeling I carried with me everywhere I went but then I found a facebook page called 'Power of Positivity' which became my go-to support on very dark days.  There was always a positive quote, a meme, something to make me focus on what was good about my life and I felt better.  Eventually however it all became very irritating.  I'd be confronted with something telling me how to improve my life and often I was told to walk away from the situation which was making me unhappy.  Now that's very good advice if you're in a bad relationship, a job you hate, a place which is making you miserable but what if you can't walk away, what if walking away is the very last thing you would do even if you could?  I couldn't walk away from this dementia affected life, I couldn't escape and there was no way I would leave Ash to fend for himself so I became cross and wanted to shout that leaving wasn

There are dates in the calendar where I'm brought up short by the memories of days gone by.  Birthdays, Christmas, wedding anniversaries and, as today, Valentines Day.  It's a long time since this day of romance has been a big thing in our lives but in the past it was always recognised and acknowledged.  In the very early days, when we were teenagers, there were big padded cards and cuddly toys; then there were cards, presents and a special meal, then cards and the meal but no presents; still there then, not a huge deal but something for the two of us and today I've looked back and realised how far and how quickly we've moved from that to where we are now.  This day three years ago was only a couple of months after Ash's diagnosis and not much had changed.  I have no idea what we did but that just shows things were still fairly normal; this day in 2019 cards were exchanged meaning Ash had remembered but no special meal and no comment from him;  this day last year I

We have snow and thick ice on the roads out of the village right now and I'm sure, if you've been following this blog for even a short amount of time, you'll have guessed that in the past I had no need to negotiate these driving conditions because. of course, Ash did all the driving.  To be honest he loved nothing more than to be driving in ice and snow and thought it was great fun if his truck skidded while we were out but that makes no difference to my story because all you need to know is that this morning he would have driven us to do the grocery shopping.  Instead I set off in my smart, slightly muddy, bright red car and got halfway up the hill before coming to a halt because of thick ice.  The car refused to go any further forward so there was no option but to reverse back the way I'd come which seemed much further than I remembered.  Luckily no-one else had been silly enough to attempt that route so I managed to get back to the road through the village and went t

Yesterday, due completely to circumstances which are too long and involved to bore you with, instead of joining Ash in bed for our usual early morning cup of tea I took his up and then came straight back down again.  The result of this was that the tea didn't get drunk or the tablets taken at their usual time but Ash himself had the brightest start to a day that I've seen in a very long time.  It was so lovely and made such a difference to both of us that I thought I'd try a change in routine.  This morning I got up early and came downstairs as usual but didn't disturb Ash at all, instead leaving him to sleep as long as he wanted.  The result? a completely, relaxed and smiling husband who wandered downstairs just before 8am to make himself a drink.  A very, very good beginning to this particular Tuesday but then things just got better. A couple of years ago we had a new programmer fitted to the oil boiler with the heating set to come on at 7am every morning except, for

 It's been an up and down sort of weekend.  The ups were my new bedding which was wonderfully soft and gloriously decadent and the half hour of chainsawing which resulted in two baskets of wood as well as the discovery of logs at the bottom of the pile which I didn't know were there; the downs were the feeling of being trapped with nowhere to go and nothing to do, which is mostly due to the lockdown and the looming of another long week rather than anything else, but I got through it and today is another day which started with walking in the sunshine through yet another another beautiful Italian town  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIzp8Wrj44s and included a video chat with a friend and the creation of my very own firelighters so, in the scheme of things, quite a busy day really.  The sun glistening off the snow helped too as did the knowledge that I didn't have to drive on icy roads so there is an upside to having nowhere to go and nothing to do.  Life is never straightfo

My new bedding arrived today and it's already been in the machine and is now installed on the bed along with the new pillow.  That last was an added bonus because it wasn't due for another few days but it now sits full and plump at the top of the bed just waiting for me to lay my head on it.  Last night once again Ash suggested I slept in the spare room but, as I suspected, the second time was nowhere near as difficult to deal with as the first and I had a much better night's sleep.  The best bit was being able to read for as long as I wanted but now I have something new to add to the prospective delights of sleeping alone as Carol has said she enjoys being able to go to bed later if she wants to and that just hadn't occurred to me.  At the moment Ash makes a move as soon as the news comes on (10pm) and, whether I want to or not, regardless of what I'm in the middle of watching on my laptop, I start to pack up too and off we go.  Now I'm not saying that from ton

Didn't sleep well last night and for an odd reason.  As you know I've spent the past few weeks waiting until Ash fell asleep and then moving beds just to get away from his snoring.  I've created my own bedroom space and am gradually turning it into a luxurious sanctuary but it still hasn't felt permanent.  Last night when I went to get into bed Ash suggested I sleep in the spare room.  His reason was that his shoulder hurt and he was worried that he wouldn't sleep well and would keep me awake.  That's a perfectly reasonable explanation and something we've often done over the years but it seemed odd.  Until now I've happily moved beds but, especially recently,  I've been in control of when; this was different and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.  Actually I think I have an inkling of how I feel about it because I really didn't sleep well.  It might have been a one-off but I think it's more likely to be the shape of things to come, o

I find it very interesting how quickly something now becomes normal and everyday.  There are things happening in our lives which, when they first began, I had to think long and hard about but now I do without thinking.  Driving was one of them, not the fact that I had to drive because I did that most days anyway but in the past it would have been almost unheard of for me to drive while Ash sat in the passenger seat; making the morning tea was something we took turns to do but now I do it every morning without thinking; gardening is something else I've never had to take responsibility for and I wouldn't have been allowed to mow the lawn for fear that the stripes wouldn't be straight yet last summer I got that lawn looking almost as smart as Ash used to and so it goes on; cooking, gardening, picture hanging, wood collecting/sawing, stick chopping, morning/evening cuddles, chats, not much fazes me nowadays either the lack or it or the additions and yet things still happen whic

I've got into the swing of my new sleeping arrangements now and it all seems to be working well.  Several people have asked me what Ash thinks but he doesn't think anything about it because I'm careful to make sure it doesn't make any difference to him.  Once, when we were first married, we had a blazing row at bed time and I stormed off and got into the spare bed at which point Ash walked in, picked me up and carried me back to our room saying as he did so 'what on earth do you think you're doing?'.  I didn't bother after that.  Then we got the huge super kingsize bed and he used to joke that I needed to take a taxi over to his side for a cuddle.  Now he doesn't really notice whether I'm there or not but I still start off the night next to him and give him a kiss goodnight.  Once he's fallen asleep I get up, move rooms and stay there until morning when I go downstairs, make a cup of tea and am back with him before he's woken up.  So all&

 Ok, so we know I've developed skills I didn't know I had and I'm capable of things I wouldn't have thought possible but it occurred to me today that actually I have Ash to thank for much of this new me.  I think I've told this story before but just in case you weren't paying attention, or in case you've just joined us, I'll mention it again.  A very long time ago, when we started decorating the first house we ever bought, I was about to screw a door handle back into place when Ash came along and began to tell me exactly  how to do it.  As I was just inserting screws into holes that were already there, and as I was feisty even then, I handed him the screwdriver and walked off without a word.  From then on I left him to get on with all of the jobs needed to keep the house functioning and gave barely a thought to DIY other than to use the phrase 'could you just ........' on a very regular basis.  And he did.  tap leaking?  Ash would fix it; patio r