Memory for two

 I had a lovely visit with Ash this morning and, as a consequence, am feeling much better life for both of us.   I must admit that my heart sank shortly after I got there.  I'd been greeted with the tightest hug which was wonderful but that was followed by complaint after complaint about how everyone there was horrible.  I didn't quite believe him but it did all make me wonder and I wondered right up until we walked out of the door and he started telling me how lovely everyone was!  Today I thought we'd try the garden centre only that meant going in the car and I wondered how he'd cope.  Needn't have worried because he chatted all the way there about everything we drove by which was in complete contrast to the silent journeys we made at home and just showed how much happier he is in himself. We were out a couple of hours and Ash chatted the whole time.  Not all of it made sense but there were some very astute comments about the price of Christmas decorations in comp

 This post might seem at odds with the one I wrote yesterday but if you've lost someone you love you'll know how emotions differ from day to day and even moment to moment.   Yesterday I was happy from beginning to end of the day.  Today not so much which is why I've decided that grief is a very odd thing.   I'm not missing Ash because he hasn't been 'my' Ash for so long that I'm already used to being without him.  I'm happier than I've been for years, much more relaxed and looking forward to whatever the future brings and yet ..........  And yet there are moments when thoughts of him come out of nowhere and knock me sideways.  Mostly, I've realised, they're not to do with memories but more that I know the old Ash would have loved the things I have planned.  He'd have loved the trip to see friends in Australia (we've been twice and I think he always thought of himself as an honorary Australian), he'd have loved the 9 year old c

 No decorations up yet, they're waiting until Jake and the 9 year old are here next weekend, but Alexa's been playing Christmas music all day and I'm getting in the swing of it all. I took my 'robin' mug out of the cupboard this morning and felt just a little sad when I remembered that I bought it last year to cheer myself up and to help inject some Christmas spirit into my life.  Apart from the very scaled down decorations that was it so this year I've decided there should definitely be more. I've already bought myself a Christmas hat which is bright red with white fur trim.  I was about to include a link to it so that you could see how lovely it is but they seem to have sold out so you'll have to wait until I've taken a photo. Then there's the robin mug, the Christmas quilt cover I've bought for the 9 year old to use next weekend, and the research I'm doing for presents.  I love present buying. I like thinking about what people will lik

I know I'm going to be scarred for ever by this whole dementia experience but, equally, I feel that not all of those scars are bad ones. There's no denying that the last few years have been more difficult than I could ever have imagined but, when I look back to the me who cried every day for the first three months, I can't believe I could ever have been so frightened. Ash wouldn't talk about what was happening or how he felt so there was no way the two of us could plan for the future and I just couldn't see how I could ever manage without him.  He really was my rock, my shoulder to cry on, the person I wanted to tell everything to and I felt that without him there would be nothing of me. Well I was wrong.  Of course I was, but I've needed the past five years to show me.  I've been thinking recently that, although the anticipatory grief is gut wrenching at times, the fact that it wasn't a case of 'here today, gone tomorrow' has helped enormously.