Memory for two

Actually not quite so much of a crisis as I feared but once again we have an example of Ash's fading skills.  At the beginning of the week we discovered that the waste pipe in the kitchen was dripping silently into the cupboard underneath the sink.  There wasn't a flood and not even a small pool of water just a kind of dampness over everything in there.  I emptied the cupboard, discovering in the process all sorts of things I'd forgotten ever existed, and the waste pipe was inspected.  There was definitely a drip so we turned the tap on full and the drip got quicker.  Turned the tap off and fixed the pipe with sealant.  Only problem was the sealant was about 3 years out of date so surprise, surprise, the drip continued.  Into town to buy new sealant, old sealant removed and new added but still the drip continued but much more slowly so we decided we could live with that and put a container underneath to catch the drips.  Problem (almost) solved or so I thought.  Came home …

Someone said in a comment on yesterday's post that sometimes coming to a decision is a relief in itself and I really do feel that the decision not to take Ash away from home any more was a watershed moment.  As reported,  last week was very sad and the knowledge that it was the last trip away made it all the more difficult but since we've been home I've felt so much better,  Most of the time our holidays have been an adventure usually to somewhere completely new and often for a completely different experience but thinking back over the past three years I've realised that recently we've gone away mostly out of habit.  When I was working full time my summers were spent inside so a holiday somewhere hot was a chance to get out into the sun; a holiday in the snow was a chance to spend my days focusing on staying upright which took my mind off work and being away from home gave us time to talk and reconnect.  Now we're together the majority of the time, I'm at h…

You'll be pleased to know that, as usual, I've bounced back from the holiday and all the sadness it engendered quite quickly helped I think by the fact that Ash has been so relaxed since we got home.  I'm not sure whether he knows deep down that I won't take him away from home again or whether it's just that, having made that decision, I'm more relaxed but whatever the reason he's happy and contented so I can't ask for much more really.  So my big decision was that we won't be going on holiday together any more but Ash has made a big decision of his own.  For the past 30+ years he's spent the winter bush beating (vegetarians and vegans should look away now.  If you're neither but don't know what bush beating is then click on this link http://www.nobs.org.uk/beating to find out more).  Over the past 3 or 4 years he hasn't gone often but was very proud of the fact that he had a 'Working' Cocker Spaniel who actually 'worked&…

I wrote a while ago about how I wished I'd recognised all those 'last times' which passed me by; the last time Ash reached for my hand, the last time he commented on how I looked, the last time he put his arm around me just for the pleasure of it, the last time he made a decision, the last time we talked about the future ..........  All those last times which went unheeded but last Monday I knew from the minute we left the house that it would be our last holiday and I would never have guessed the knowing would make it so sad.  The three months (almost exactly) following the diagnosis I went through life feeling as though I was hanging on by my fingertips and that if I even for a minute lost focus I would go into free fall.  However life went on and that feeling, much to my amazement, went away to be replaced with a determination to get to the other side of this with my sanity intact.  Last week nearly undid all that hard work and I realised it's been a long time since …

Back home, back to normality (whatever that is) and time to take stock.  Getting away was difficult with anxiety kicking in from the moment we woke on Monday morning and I uttered the fateful words 'we're leaving after lunch'.  Why? What for? Where were we going? How long were we going to be away? Were we taking the dog?The list of questions went on and on right up until we left.  I packed the bags, got the food together, gathered the coats and boots, measured out the dog food, picked up the dog bed/harness/lead and made my way out to the truck where Ash was waiting to stow it all away and that was when reality hit.  The man who on more than one occasion managed to pack the three of us plus equipment and clothes into a soft top Ford Escort for a three week camping trip to France stood looking from the small pile of bags and boxes to the back of his four wheel drive truck and back again with no idea where to start.  Once upon a time he was a champion car packer.  He had a …

We're going away for a few days with friends so it's been planning, planning, planning all the way.  I've dropped the odd comment over the past few days all of which have been taken well and Ash has come up with some suggestions of his own so, stupidly, I thought it would all be plain sailing (and you'd think I really would know better by now).   Cut to this morning and I mentioned on waking that we were leaving after lunch.  No hurry, everything organised but still he went into full panic mode and we had to get up right there and then.  This was obviously going to be harder than I thought so the planned morning walk with friends was cancelled and all energy, spare and otherwise, was put into calming things down so that we actually got into the truck after lunch and set off.   We're now halfway through the morning and things are better.  The cool bag is packed; Ash's sandwich filling is mixed so that he can have his usual lunch every day; all the ingredients ar…