Memory for two

Our second day with the carer today and, once again, it seems to have gone rather well.  I hope I know better by now than to expect it to go perfectly every week but I do feel we're making progress.  I had a plan of course, a plan which would explain, on a basic level, why I'd gone out and a plan which I hoped would ease us into a new way of living. This week, on advice from others, I didn't mention L coming until 9am (she was due at 9.30) and that worked because Ash didn't have time to panic.  He thought he might wait until she arrived and then take her for a walk with the dog but he wasn't sure where to go.  At that point I reminded him that he'd promised her, if she brought her wellies this week, he'd take her down through the wood at the other end of the village and he seemed pleased with that idea.  L arrived and off they went with the only slightly sticky bit coming when I said I might be out when they got back but we got him out of the house and I too

Have now had two nights sleep and it really is amazing what a difference it makes.  After five days of walking around in a fog I've rediscovered my sense of humour, I've managed to put that smile back in my voice when I speak to Ash and it seems we're back on track.   So my brain's functioning again but there's still more to celebrate.  Yesterday I told you about the two item job list which Ash relished the reading of but that was all, well today he looked at it again, got the step ladder out and cleared the gutter at the front of the house.  He was so pleased with himself when he'd finished that he couldn't stop grinning and, to be honest, neither could I because I have a fear of heights and was dreading having to do just that job.  And on top of all that my bedroom is working its magic so well that I've managed to relax enough to start reading again.  I have to say here that I never actually stopped reading but it became a bedtime thing when my eyes we

Not so much a total discovery which came out of the blue but more a gradual realisation which formed into a solid idea today.  In his previous life Ash was the most capable man I knew; he was always busy, always on the go and always looking for jobs to do and some of that has lingered into this new life we're now living.  The difficulty is that he's no longer able to do the things he used to do and most of the time he can't figure out what needs doing anyway.  A few weeks ago he asked me to write him a list of all the jobs required to keep the house intact and, stupidly, I took him at his word.  He took one look at the list and, overwhelmed, put it down on the table and walked away.  Quickly realising my mistake I picked up that very long list and replaced it very quietly with a much, much shorter one which seemed to help and a couple of the jobs got done but then I forgot all about it.  Today Ash kept asking what he should be doing and I had no idea what to say.  Whatever

I'm currently craving sleep.  This isn't really anything to do with Ash but since he woke me at 4.20 am on Thursday I haven't managed to sleep past that time on any subsequent day and right now I'm not functioning well.  I'm lucky because I don't have to get up to go to work and can nap during the day but lack of sleep has a tendency to prevent me from thinking straight and I'm easily irritated when tired neither of which is conducive to creating the calm atmosphere Ash needs to be at his best. The lack of sleep has also thrown my routine and this morning in particular I struggled to get out of bed.  I've already said that I don't work so you'd think this wouldn't be a problem but I find that if I get up early I'm properly awake and prepared for whatever mood Ash brings downstairs with him.  Just because I was late up this morning I wasn't ready for him and, when he did appear, I made some stupid comment which threw him into confusion

No post yesterday even though I promised I was back on track but am hoping that, if I tell you Ash came through at 4.20am yesterday to ask if it was time to get up, you might understand why I wasn't up to writing anything.  To be honest I only managed to get through the day with the help of two naps, one straight after lunch and the other at the end of the afternoon.   I survived however and just thought I should let you know that the carer experience appears to have been a success.  I know it's only been one visit but it looks as though its done Ash the world of good.  He seems more confident, he's been chattier than I've seen him in months and, best sign of all, he asked when L was coming again.  I'm trying not to let my hopes rise too high because I'm fully aware that there's every likelihood it will all come crashing down again but, if I tread very, very carefully, I think it might just all work out. Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivere

 Can't believe it's been a whole week since I posted on here.  That's not like me and thank you to all of you who checked up on me while I've been away from the blog.  My Easter weekend was a little up and down and then I lost momentum for a while but back now and raring to go. There were a couple of low points to the week which I've put behind me but the real high point came after a difficult conversation with my mum.  I came off the phone and cried but suddenly, out of nowhere, the old Ash appeared, put an arm around my shoulder just like he used to and told me everything would be ok.  It seems that some of 'my' Ash still remains even if he is buried deep inside himself where I can't find him. Then today we had the first attempt with a carer.  It's taken a bit of arranging and I wasn't sure it was going to happen which is why I didn't tell you but L came today with a cover story of wanting Ash to be part of a study the memory clinic were do

 Ash came into the kitchen this morning, looked at the weekly planning board and then there was this: Ash: Someone's coming this afternoon. Me: They are, it's a lady from the memory clinic. Ash: Why is she coming? Me:  To see how we're doing. Ash: Why does she want to know how you're doing, there's nothing wrong with you. And that, ladies and gentleman, tells you all you need to know about the self absorption of the imposter of a husband I now live with.  The lovely Ash of old has long since disappeared to be replaced by the most selfish man I've ever met.  I know he can't help it and I'm sure it's partly a self preservation thing but it's so sad because he used to be the loveliest, the most thoughtful and the most caring person in the world and now he's such a different being. On the positive side the lady wasn't from the memory clinic at all, it was a ruse but for what I can't tell you just yet.  Watch this space however for further