Memory for two

Thank you to everyone who sent messages of support after my last post.  I appreciated every one of them, especially the ones from those who've gone through the same thing and could say, in effect, 'this too shall pass'.  You gave me ways of looking how I was reacting so that I could make sense of it and it made all the difference. In return I can tell those of you who aren't quite there yet that there is life beyond our daily battles.  For me my social life is looking up, my job is just what I hoped for (if far more exhausting than I expected) and I have at least one adventure a month planned until the end of the year.  I also get to spend, possibly for the first time since he was born, uninterrupted time with the 9 year old so life is pretty good right now. That's not to say that there aren't moments when a memory comes out of nowhere and knocks the wind out of me.  It happened today and I teetered on the edge of the abyss and cried and cried.  Luckily a f...

 Did you know that Ash has been in the care home for five months now?  The time has flown by and he's been happy since day one which is wonderful.   My life, post dementia, is also good.  I've already had adventures this year and we're only just past the first quarter.  Australia was of course the big one, and amazing enough to have lasted me until 2024, but there has also been a trip to the Cotswolds, a 1970s weekend, trips to the theatre, lunch out with friends and lots of other things that I thought may never come my way again. I'm working my way through the house and turning it, room by room, into a space just for me and, big news of the moment, I'm going back to work.  This last had never been in my plans for the future but it turns out that Ash being in a care home, even with government funding, costs far more than I expected so needs must and all that.  The very lucky thing about it all is that, on the day our financial situation sank in, m...

 This is what happens when I don't post every day!  I miss one day because I'm busy doing something different and then I can't think what to say and then I get lazy.  But, as you can see, I've given myself a stern talking to and am back up and writing once again. So what was I doing to keep me so busy?  I had friends come for a sleepover and it was wonderful.  It's so long since I've been able to do anything remotely similar that I'd forgotten what fun it was.   I cooked a meal, there was wine with it and ice cream afterwards (not my normal diet at all so it felt very decadent) and we watched a film in front of the fire.  Bedtime was late, chatting was on the agenda and it was all very lovely. This is how life used to be and it's very much how I hope life will be in the future.  I already have plans for the summer once I've got the garden sorted out and, once again, I'm feeling human so all is well in my world right now. I hope it is in yours...

I've spent the last few days clearing out Ash's clothes.  You might think this is a bit soon or you might wonder why I didn't do it before especially as, for the last few years, he would only dress in black.  Black trousers, black shirt, black sweatshirt, even black underwear, so much black everywhere and, mostly, it suited his mood until that's how I thought of him. The clear out though reminded me of another Ash; one who wore bright colours, who owned suits (five of them to be precise), who donned bright bow ties with a wing collared shirt, who sported what we called his 'whacky hat' when ski-ing or out in cold weather.  All these showed me that I wasn't mistaken in the man whose life I've shared for forty six years.  He wasn't always anxious or mean spirited or dour, he used to be such a fun human being.  He used to make me laugh, took me on adventures, taught me to seek out the good times and to enjoy life. Dementia stole that person from me; the...

 Went to see Ash again today and found him in good spirits as usual.  It was cold and wet outside so this time we went to the garden centre where we don't have far to walk before we're in the warm.   My usual habit is to arrive, position him outside the toilets with instructions not to move until I re-appear and then off I go to do what a girl has to do (especially when it's cold and wet outside).  Often when I get back to him he's in conversation with some unsuspecting passerby who's almost always wearing a slightly puzzled expression but generally all is right, in Ash's world at least.   Today I emerged to find him gone!  First I was taken by surprise and then I was gripped by panic.  The toilets you see aren't far from the exit and a group of men were on their way out of the door.  What if Ash was amongst them?  What if I went out there but he wasn't amongst them?  How on earth could I have been so stupid?  All of these...

 I had so many lovely messages after my last post that I'm more determined than ever to keep up with the blog from now on and it's nice to know that you want to hear about the next phase in my life. Elaine also wanted to hear more about Ash but I'm finding that difficult.  Not because I don't want to talk about him but more because I'm no longer a huge part of his life and definitely don't understand what goes through his head any more. Before I went away I visited every week.  We mostly walked into town and stopped somewhere for a cup of tea, always the same route and always the same tea/coffee shop just because I felt on firm ground for conversation.  Not real conversation of course because most of the time I have no idea what Ash is talking about.  Words come out of his mouth but in no particular order and, although they have meaning for him, all I can do is nod, smile and make noises signalling agreement.  Our walk into town however means I can ramble o...

 Hello.  How are you all and, more importantly, how is the dementia that dogs the lives of some of you? I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen you and there is so much to tell that I'm not sure where to start. Part of me has wondered whether I have anything relevant to say now that Ash is no longer at home but then I thought you might like to know how I'm working my way through the aftermath.  I also wanted you to know that there is life the other side of it all and that, if you can gather the strength, your new life is full of possibilities.   The first thing I should tell you is that the run up to Christmas was more stressful than I expected.  After two years of scaled back decorations and muted plans I'd decided that it was time to reclaim the fun that was always part of our family celebrations so the boxes came out and Jake and the 9 year old came to help.  I was looking forward to it all and the very last thing I expected was to find m...