Memory for two

You'll be pleased to know that I survived Christmas and, mostly, survived it in some style.  Definitely better than previous years and that, I'm sure, was because of the treats I'd laid up and had been waiting for. My church visit was cold but lovely; the party food I'd bought livened up lunch times; the list of films, along with where to find them and the length, meant entertainment was easily to hand whenever I wanted it and the pamper session was perfect. The Christmas Day pamper session was in fact so perfect I did it all over again on Boxing Day and am now looking forward to my Sunday afternoons even more.  The details? Fuchsia pink bath sheet, bath mat and flannel; floating soap petals added just before I got in; a cushion to support my head; a new book saved especially for Christmas Day; harp music playing from my phone and through a recently unearthed bluetooth speaker; a cup of tea to hand and new, comfy clothes to climb into once I'd finished.  It was abso...

 We've got here then and in one piece which is quite an achievement so now to see how I feel tomorrow.  I may be misremembering but I really do feel that everything is much more positive right now than it was this time last year.   I've decided that at some point over the weekend I'm going to go back and read what I wrote last year and compare.  I'll let you know the results. Have a good one everyone, keep smiling and make sure to have at least one moment you can look back on with a smile.  I look forward to hearing all about those moments in the New Year. Happy Christmas. Don't forget you can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the web address  www.memoryfortwo.com  or you can email me at  memoryfortwo@gmail.com  if you have anything you want to say privately.  You can also now follow me on twitter, just search for Memory ...

 Thursday is bin day in this village and it's Ash's job to take ours to the top of the drive and leave it by the roadside.  They're collected very, very early so need to go out the night before and if anyone forgets the bin doesn't get emptied for two weeks.  Two weeks ago Ash forgot to put the bin out so yesterday I reminded him and off he went to deliver it to the relevant spot. Later in the evening there was something needing to go into the bin so Ash took it up in the dark and all seemed well. This morning he went out with Max for his early morning trip round the church and came back to tell me that he'd missed the bin men.  I really couldn't work out how that could be so, stupidly, started thinking out loud about what could have happened.  I decided that the bin must have been missed and, again out loud, decided I need to ring the council and get the lorry to come back. At this point Ash was getting cross and telling me it was nothing to do with the council...

This afternoon it was time for present wrapping and I realised how lucky I've been to spend the last 30+ years holding the sellotape for one of the most competent present wrappers in the history of the world. Last year was my first Christmas of being totally in charge of present wrapping and, although I'd love to be able to tell you what a brilliant job I made of it I'd be lying.  I got the paper around each gift, I had the sellotape in place but the finished article bore no resemblance to anything Ash ever produced.  In fact I'd go so far as to say most of my efforts looked as though I'd gone into battle and lost. I must have learnt lessons from that experience because this year's endeavours didn't look too bad at all and I must have absorbed some of Ash's skill over the years because I wasn't thrown into a panic and actually felt quite pleased with the pile of boxes now stacked on the dining table. I have to tell you that it was another joint effor...

 As you know, we had a really lovely time last night, singing carols surrounded by friends and generally behaving almost like a normal couple.  Payback though was the aftermath today. Up in the early hours for the third day in a row meant I was short on patience for the confusion that comes to Ash through sheer tiredness.  I forget how much effort it takes for him join in and be sociable or even just to exist outside of his normal routine but I really should have expected it.  Only I didn't and, instead, it took me most of the day to work out what the problem was. Once worked out though everything fell into place and, even with that confusion and my lack of patience, I found myself humming along to the Christmas music in the supermarket. I find I really am looking forward to this Christmas and I put that down to the treats I've set in store just for me.  Well not quite just for me because I'm willing to share some of them with Ash if he wants them but I'm fairly...

I realised this afternoon that it was four years ago today when we were given the diagnosis and our world fell apart.  On that day I thought my life had come to an end and, selfishly, that's all I could think.  I was so frightened of what was going to become of me, of how I'd cope without Ash and I cried and cried and cried.  Today life may not be perfect but it's so much better than I could possibly have hoped for and we're getting ready for a Christmas that I honestly thought Ash wouldn't see.  So what do I have to tell you about the preparations today?  I promised yesterday to tell you about the cheese scone, fully buttered and hiding on a plate in a kitchen cupboard.  I have no idea what it was doing there but I do know it hadn't been there long so I picked it up and returned it to its container ready for when Ash was peckish again. I also promised to tell you about the Christmas decorations which I put up on my own yesterday.  Last year I'd pared ...

A few up and down moments as usual but really we're on a fairly even keel so life isn't too bad.   The first sign of how far we've come over this last year was to be seen when we went to deliver Christmas cards around the village.  Last year Ash went with me under sufferance, spent the whole time refusing to speak to me or interact with anyone we met.  He was absolutely vile and I just wished I'd left him at home.  Cut to Friday and he walked with me, chatting as we went, pointing out things of interest and chatting with friends on the doorstep.  The difference was amazing and I'm convinced that it's all down to having carers in.  L may not have worked out in the end but she did boost Ash's confidence in the beginning and now we have S who is just a miracle worker.  Both of them, and Jake, have shown Ash that he can manage without me and that has made such a difference to him.   Yesterday wasn't quite so good and I wondered whether that ...

  We're still involved in Christmas preparations and I'm still learning the benefits of practicing patience, something which doesn't come easily at all. All the cards we got ready on Saturday have been divided into three piles one of which was for posting.  That particular pile had been sitting on the kitchen table watching my every move and today was the day for adding the stamps.   I was having a really busy day and almost left Ash to put those stamps on all of those envelopes by himself but, at the last minute, thankfully, I thought better of it.  Instead I slowed down, took a deep breath and suggested we did it together.  Five minutes later we sat either side of the table, Ash with the cards in front of him and me in charge of the stamps.  Ash took the cards off the pile one at a time, I handed him a stamp, made sure he stuck it in the right place and the right way up (not a foregone conclusion at all) then watched as he put it onto another pile be...

Sometimes, in fact quite often, when you live a life affected by dementia you have a great tendency to think you're on your own.  Again and again something happens and you think you're the only person experiencing that particular thing and a feeling of loneliness crowds in from all sides.  You may have the best friends in the world (and I really do think I have) but you know that none of them can possibly understand because you really are the only person this happens to. Then, maybe, you start a blog and begin writing about your life just to get it out of your system and, if you're very lucky, people begin to read it.  Then your luck might just get even better and those people begin to email you, message you and comment on your posts.  When this happens you suddenly discover that you're not on your own at all, that you're not the only one experiencing these things, and suddenly you feel better about it all. Yesterday I wrote about hiding food around the house, about...

There are so many ways I could describe this life we lead.  So many ways I could show you how far from normal it really is but it would be impossible to list them all and to be honest, unless you too have dementia in your life, you might not even totally believe me. Would you believe me if I told you that currently I have bags of vegetable crisps stashed in various places  around the house and that frequently I open a cupboard and one of those packets falls on top of me?  The reason?  because Ash eats lots of them and they're expensive so I have to buy extra when they're on offer and then I have to hide them or he eats even more than normal just because he can see all the bags. Would you believe me if I told you that I had my first nap of the day at 9am today and my second at 1pm?  The reason? Actually this time it wasn't totally Ash's fault that I was exhausted before the day started because he's not the only one who gets me up in the middle of the night. ...

 I've decided that there's nothing like getting stuck into the regular Christmas chores to show me exactly how far along this road we've come. Ash and I used to have a system at Christmas where we each played an equal part especially when it came to cards and presents.  I'll report on the present situation in a few days but today is was time to write the cards. Once upon a time, when we were both busy and working long hours, we developed a technique.  Ash sat in an arm chair with the envelopes and labels while I was on the sofa with the cards. He told me whose name was on the label, I chose the card to send to that particular person/couple, wrote it out and passed it to him. He put the label on the envelope and the card inside, sealed it and added it to the ever growing pile.  It was quick, easy and stress free. Sometimes it involved red wine to ease things along and always it involved laughter and joint effort.   This afternoon we spent almost two hours ge...

 Not an interesting post today because nothing very interesting has happened but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you for all the supportive messages, emails and comments following my last post.  This job, as we all know, is incredibly hard but, in my case at least, it's made so much easier knowing that I'm not on my own through it all. You are all very, very lovely people and I'm so glad you're out there. Don't forget you can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the web address  www.memoryfortwo.com  or you can email me at  memoryfortwo@gmail.com  if you have anything you want to say privately.  You can also now follow me on twitter, just search for Memory For Two, and you can find me on facebook  https://www.facebook.com/Memory-for-Two-287197572048864 .

 Two days ago someone left a comment saying I should remember all the times when Ash had supported me and I really, really do but supporting someone with dementia, someone who has become a stranger, is something else altogether.   In a normal life, as a normal couple, you support each other.  S, who you may remember used to work with Ash many years ago, told me the other day how much he appreciated my support for his job.  He could go off in the early hours of the morning and there was no knowing where he was going or when he'd be back but it was part of our life and he loved that job so I was behind him every step of the way.  He once drove off with us both thinking he'd be away for two days; two weeks later he came home carrying two hand blown wine glasses not as a peace offering but as a thank you for not moaning once.   For his part Ash supported me when I worked long hours and came home stressed on an almost daily basis.  He was interest...

 If yesterday was like watching Ash wade through treacle today began with him acting as though he was on speed.  I took his first cup of tea up along with his tablets and settled down for my usual minimum of 20 minutes peace and quiet.  Instead he appeared after 10 minutes asking for his next cup but still drinking the first.  Once again the start to the day didn't bode well for what was to come. We got through breakfast and I started getting ready to go out for my Friday morning walk.  Ash decided he was going to take Max and so, following on from yesterday, I suggested he wore a coat.  It was raining so that seemed sensible to me but apparently he'd never worn a coat to go out for a walk before.  NOT EVER (can you see what I was up against?).   I finally persuaded him to wear one but then it was which of the two.  At that point he told me that he ALWAYS used to wear two coats and I knew it was going to be one of those days. My walk wit...

Ash has had a difficult day beginning when he first came downstairs.  Before he'd had one cup of tea he was asking if he should get dressed and then wanted to know where he was which was a fairly good indication of fogged brain. He spent the morning in that same fog and showed no real signs of coming out of it until after lunch.  Then S emailed to let me know how they got on yesterday.  The really worrying thing was that she seemed to have had a similar experience which makes me think we might be on a bit of a slide.   We discussed whether there might have been a trigger for it all and she mentioned the fact that Ash wouldn't wear a coat when they took Max for either of his walks yesterday.  She thought he'd been cold even though he wouldn't admit it and wondered if that might have caused some of the difficulties.   I thought about this and realised that there are an awful lot of coats on the hooks in the utility room and it's very probable that A...

 My life seems to have become a bit of a social whirl recently but I'm making the most of it because I'm very sure there are weeks to come without much in the diary at all. Today I met friends for lunch, had a lovely time and talked bucket lists.  What sort of thing did people in general  have on their bucket lists, what did we have on our own particular bucket lists and what were the chances of completing those lists? When you live alongside dementia bucket lists can be tricky, especially if you follow the advice of those who tell you to live in the moment and not think about the future.  My view, as you know, is that if I don't have a plan for the future then I'm in danger of losing myself so of course I have a bucket list and I make sure that everything on there is achievable.   If you know me then you'll know that my bucket list is totally related to travel.  There are so many places I still want to see; some new, some I've already been to with Ash...