Memory for two

Lovely, lovely day out yesterday.  This time I didn't tell Ash that L was coming until 10 minutes before she arrived and that seemed to work perfectly.  No time for stress, drama or worry, no thought of questions, just a relaxed acceptance that it was going to happen and there may be cheese scones involved and so there were.  Also an encounter with fly tippers while on the dog walk and the directing of a delivery van to a house further down the village, both of which were dealt with by Ash and his sidekick, so lots to tell me about when I got home.   As for me I had a wonderful time with coffee in the sunshine followed by a stroll round some of the larger stores.  There was just a little retail therapy to be seen in the form of books but mostly the day was spent planning the refurbishment of the patio so I have a sanctuary in the garden this summer when it's too warm to be up in my beautiful bedroom.   Watch out on the facebook page for before and after photos and then let me k

A very short post today but Ash has mentioned L and the cheese scones a couple of times so I have high hopes for my day off and wanted to let you know.  Now working on a plan for a test night away in a couple of months time.  Very careful planning again and very small steps but if I take it slowly it might just work.  Keep your fingers crossed for that and think of me having a leisurely lunch tomorrow with a small amount of retail therapy thrown in for good measure.  I'll report back I promise. Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivered straight into your inbox, just remember to click on the validation email (which may be in your junk mail/trash box).  You can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the web address  www.memoryfortwo.com  or you can email me at  memoryfortwo@gmail.com  if you have anything you want to say privately.  You can also now follow me on t

Still on the subject of memes I no longer need, I've just seen one that says 'If it was up to me it would not be up to me' and once again I remember the post.  Ash and I used to make all our decisions together although I have a feeling it didn't look like that to those looking in.  This was because, mostly, he didn't mind what we did and just went along with my suggestions, occasionally however I'd come up with some random idea and he'd look at me and say 'I don't think so' and that would be it.  When that happened there was never any point in arguing and anyway why would I want him to do something he didn't like?  So we moved through life mostly in agreement and, occasionally, agreeing to differ but the most important thing was the discussion of those ideas and the joint decisions.   Then dementia came creeping into our lives and suddenly not only was Ash incapable of making a decision but he really, really didn't want to even be asked f

 I wake up every morning with the best of intentions to write a full and informative post and then frequently find myself at 4pm having started none of it and with no idea which part of the day to include.  Today has been no different.  We went to the garden centre this morning to buy a present for friends, I had a lovely, and very long, video call with one of my best friends who lives on the other side of the world and then I spent an hour and a half trying to sort out the pre-payment card sent to me on behalf of the council who are paying a very small amount towards L coming every week.  This is fine and I'm actually grateful for any help towards the bill but the first one has come in and the council haven't given me their share towards it so that's a little stressful.  So that's three things I could write about but the first and the third were quite boring and the middle one was private so what to do? With that in mind I've been thinking about how far we've c

It turns out that L is a miracle worker.  Once upon a time Ash did all the cooking in this house but since dementia came calling he's done less and less and, over the past two years at least, none at all.  Today I suggested to L that if she could make cheese scones for Ash he would be her friend for life.  Came home to find that not only had she made them. but they'd made them together!! To say I was stunned is an understatement.  He'd also been very chatty, told her all about the work he's done on the house over the years, shown here around the village and, all in all, they'd had a lovely day.    Mine was the most relaxing time away from Ash that I've had in years.  I didn't worry about him at all and surprisingly, for me at least, I didn't spend any time wondering what he was doing.  Instead I wandered around Lincoln checking out shops, trying on shoes and doing all the things that I usually absolutely hate doing and there were two main reasons for the

I realised today that I'm in a post lockdown rebuild.  Yesterday I had my eyebrows reshaped, this morning saw me in a tanning booth for the third time in two weeks, this afternoon I had my eye lashes curled and I have a pedicure booked for two weeks time so actually think I'm rebuilding myself from the ground up.  Who am I doing it for?  Me of course and I think that's the best part of all of it.  This time last year I had a completely different outlook on life but the weight's gone, the life seems to have come back into my eyes and I'm feeling better than I have for a very long time.  If you've been following this blog for a while you'll know that I'm not always this upbeat but I do try for an optimistic outlook and am a great believer in working to create the life I want, not just waiting for it to happen.  Right now this is my way of heading into the summer on a positive trajectory and I have high hopes that the positivity will continue.  In fact I

One of the things I find most difficult about this life is the feeling of ever shifting sand beneath my feet.  For the past two weeks at least, every morning has begun with Ash writing in his notebook the time he woke up and then, when I've taken his tea in, I've sat on the bed while we've gone through what happens next ie cup of tea at ......., 2nd cup of tea at ......., get up at .......  This has worked really well every single morning right up until this one.  I took his tea in as usual, sat down on the bed and watched while he picked up and opened his notebook.  He'd written down the time he'd woken up and then as usual he wrote down the current time followed by 'tea' and 'tablets'.  That's the point where he asks me what happens next so I automatically said 'and then a 2nd cup of tea at 6.45'.  His usual response is a smile and the adding of the information to his notebook followed by 'then what?'.  This morning I was greete

Our second day with the carer today and, once again, it seems to have gone rather well.  I hope I know better by now than to expect it to go perfectly every week but I do feel we're making progress.  I had a plan of course, a plan which would explain, on a basic level, why I'd gone out and a plan which I hoped would ease us into a new way of living. This week, on advice from others, I didn't mention L coming until 9am (she was due at 9.30) and that worked because Ash didn't have time to panic.  He thought he might wait until she arrived and then take her for a walk with the dog but he wasn't sure where to go.  At that point I reminded him that he'd promised her, if she brought her wellies this week, he'd take her down through the wood at the other end of the village and he seemed pleased with that idea.  L arrived and off they went with the only slightly sticky bit coming when I said I might be out when they got back but we got him out of the house and I too

Have now had two nights sleep and it really is amazing what a difference it makes.  After five days of walking around in a fog I've rediscovered my sense of humour, I've managed to put that smile back in my voice when I speak to Ash and it seems we're back on track.   So my brain's functioning again but there's still more to celebrate.  Yesterday I told you about the two item job list which Ash relished the reading of but that was all, well today he looked at it again, got the step ladder out and cleared the gutter at the front of the house.  He was so pleased with himself when he'd finished that he couldn't stop grinning and, to be honest, neither could I because I have a fear of heights and was dreading having to do just that job.  And on top of all that my bedroom is working its magic so well that I've managed to relax enough to start reading again.  I have to say here that I never actually stopped reading but it became a bedtime thing when my eyes we

Not so much a total discovery which came out of the blue but more a gradual realisation which formed into a solid idea today.  In his previous life Ash was the most capable man I knew; he was always busy, always on the go and always looking for jobs to do and some of that has lingered into this new life we're now living.  The difficulty is that he's no longer able to do the things he used to do and most of the time he can't figure out what needs doing anyway.  A few weeks ago he asked me to write him a list of all the jobs required to keep the house intact and, stupidly, I took him at his word.  He took one look at the list and, overwhelmed, put it down on the table and walked away.  Quickly realising my mistake I picked up that very long list and replaced it very quietly with a much, much shorter one which seemed to help and a couple of the jobs got done but then I forgot all about it.  Today Ash kept asking what he should be doing and I had no idea what to say.  Whatever

I'm currently craving sleep.  This isn't really anything to do with Ash but since he woke me at 4.20 am on Thursday I haven't managed to sleep past that time on any subsequent day and right now I'm not functioning well.  I'm lucky because I don't have to get up to go to work and can nap during the day but lack of sleep has a tendency to prevent me from thinking straight and I'm easily irritated when tired neither of which is conducive to creating the calm atmosphere Ash needs to be at his best. The lack of sleep has also thrown my routine and this morning in particular I struggled to get out of bed.  I've already said that I don't work so you'd think this wouldn't be a problem but I find that if I get up early I'm properly awake and prepared for whatever mood Ash brings downstairs with him.  Just because I was late up this morning I wasn't ready for him and, when he did appear, I made some stupid comment which threw him into confusion

No post yesterday even though I promised I was back on track but am hoping that, if I tell you Ash came through at 4.20am yesterday to ask if it was time to get up, you might understand why I wasn't up to writing anything.  To be honest I only managed to get through the day with the help of two naps, one straight after lunch and the other at the end of the afternoon.   I survived however and just thought I should let you know that the carer experience appears to have been a success.  I know it's only been one visit but it looks as though its done Ash the world of good.  He seems more confident, he's been chattier than I've seen him in months and, best sign of all, he asked when L was coming again.  I'm trying not to let my hopes rise too high because I'm fully aware that there's every likelihood it will all come crashing down again but, if I tread very, very carefully, I think it might just all work out. Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivere

 Can't believe it's been a whole week since I posted on here.  That's not like me and thank you to all of you who checked up on me while I've been away from the blog.  My Easter weekend was a little up and down and then I lost momentum for a while but back now and raring to go. There were a couple of low points to the week which I've put behind me but the real high point came after a difficult conversation with my mum.  I came off the phone and cried but suddenly, out of nowhere, the old Ash appeared, put an arm around my shoulder just like he used to and told me everything would be ok.  It seems that some of 'my' Ash still remains even if he is buried deep inside himself where I can't find him. Then today we had the first attempt with a carer.  It's taken a bit of arranging and I wasn't sure it was going to happen which is why I didn't tell you but L came today with a cover story of wanting Ash to be part of a study the memory clinic were do

 Ash came into the kitchen this morning, looked at the weekly planning board and then there was this: Ash: Someone's coming this afternoon. Me: They are, it's a lady from the memory clinic. Ash: Why is she coming? Me:  To see how we're doing. Ash: Why does she want to know how you're doing, there's nothing wrong with you. And that, ladies and gentleman, tells you all you need to know about the self absorption of the imposter of a husband I now live with.  The lovely Ash of old has long since disappeared to be replaced by the most selfish man I've ever met.  I know he can't help it and I'm sure it's partly a self preservation thing but it's so sad because he used to be the loveliest, the most thoughtful and the most caring person in the world and now he's such a different being. On the positive side the lady wasn't from the memory clinic at all, it was a ruse but for what I can't tell you just yet.  Watch this space however for further