Memory for two

 My latest light bulb moment happened yesterday and I can't quite believe I hadn't thought of it before.  Ash's speech is getting more and more jumbled and frequently, it seems, he comes to tell me something but struggles to get the words out. This is such a great improvement on the days, months and years where he didn't bother talking to me at all that I've been trying really hard to understand what he's saying and to turn it into a conversation.  Now Jake and I did learn, when we went on our course with Contented Dementia, that a good move is to murmur soothing things when your loved one is talking to you so I did know that but these were times when Ash sought me out to tell me something he'd just seen on the news or had glimpsed out of the window. Yesterday I realised that at these times he doesn't actually want or need a conversation he just wants to share his thoughts with me and the best way forward is for me to accept the thought, respond with war...

As you know I can't stay down for long and this morning saw my thoughts take yet another turn. I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I had cleared out some of the kitchen cupboards.  I threw out enough unwanted stuff to leave one whole cupboard completely empty and was left with a feeling of complete satisfaction.  However there were a couple of cupboards still to attack and that was my intention today. One of the things relevant to this story is that in a previous life we entertained.  When I say entertained I mean that we had friends round for meals, we had parties and we hosted fund raising events.  All of these needed crockery, cutlery and serving dishes none of which have seen the light of day for at least two years and, in some cases, much longer than that.  It was those unused and unloved items that I was going to get rid of.  I had the relevant charity shops in mind, thought I might put some stuff on facebook and also see if any friends who were still ...

I have a horrid feeling that I'm at risk of being boring when I talk once again of the rollercoaster which is life with dementia but there you are.  Those of you living this life will know. but might like to be reminded, that you're not on your own while others with no direct experience will benefit I think from continually reading of the ups and downs we  go through. The good times over the last two days have involved lunch with old school friends where we caught up on forty two years of back stories; an afternoon for Ash spent with Jake; an evening of chat between Ash, Jake and me with Ash alert and engaged the whole time and another lunch out for me with different friends today. The adventure was totally mine and involved sleeping out in the 'shed' while Jake had my room.  Whenever I've divulged this plan over the past few weeks my friends have looked at me in horror but in truth it was a little like glamping.  I have real plans to do up the shed ready for next s...

For years haircuts and beard trims have been subjects for discussion and teasing in this house or rather whether or not Ash needs either of them has been the subject.  He always said he'd like to grow a pony tail and, as he knew I couldn't think of anything worse, he'd grin and mention it on a regular basis.  He also laughingly grumbled about the containment of his beard but, because he never took anything seriously, we muddled through.  The hair was never cut as short as I'd like and the beard was never trimmed as closely as I wanted but we compromised and laughed about the difference of opinion. When he was horrible for those years after diagnosis he didn't seem to mind the haircut but we went into battle every time I said his beard needed a trim, then he started being nice to me and the battles went away.  Recently we came to an agreement that he would come with me every other time I went to the hairdressers and so it grew a bit longer than I would have liked but...

Three times today where the earth tilted and I found myself in a parallel universe. This morning we went into town for our Monday morning Market Day coffee.  That went ok so on the way back to the car I left Ash watching the market while I nipped into my favourite clothes shop.  Came out five minutes later to find him in conversation with a lovely lady who'd stopped to ask about his camera.  He was in the middle of telling her how work had brought about his interest in photography and she was really quite fascinated.  She was a little disconcerted however when he started the same story a second time and when it all began a third time I thought it was best to move on.  Back to the car and we came home. Before Ash could have lunch he needed to make up his odd sandwich mix.  I'd cooked a small gammon joint for him and, as he usually only uses half a joint at a time, left him with a bag to put the remainder in, placed all the other ingredients he needs out on t...

 I've had a really, really good day today and have realised that, amongst all the ups and downs of this life, my best days are those where I feel I've taken control of my own happiness. I had the afternoon bath planned and was so looking forward to it that I needed a diversion to stop me climbing into the steaming hot water early.  Luckily there was a list of jobs I could get my teeth into beginning with cleaning out the shed (more of which later in the week) before moving on to washing down window sills (because I had hot water left over from the shed) both of which took me up to lunch time.  After lunch it was time to bake cheese scones (which, in the absence of the not so lovely L, has become my job again) and finally I made a batch of fire lighters giving me job satisfaction and helping to keep the home fires burning for the next two weeks. A busy morning and early afternoon then before I took myself up to that bath.  The bathing quickly became a whole pamper ses...

 A busy few days with the usual ups and downs which, I've decided, are dementia's way of making sure I don't get complacent.   Had a lovely visit to see my Mum on Thursday.  It was a food tasting session at her care home and, despite having had lunch, Mum ploughed her way through a plate of assorted savoury dishes, a desert and a piece of chocolate cake.  She may be coming up to her 93rd birthday, have difficulty walking and doesn't always know who I am but she still has her appetite! Yesterday saw me out on a lovely walk in the Wolds with a friend.  The sun shone, the views were amazing and the conversation, as always, flowed.  Came home and took Ash out for a cup of tea in a cafe overlooking the sea.  The sun still shone which was lovely but, for the second time in two weeks, he had difficulty working out how to get the tea from the pot into his cup so that was a bit of a jolt. This morning started as normal with me taking Ash's cup of tea up al...

This morning I was due to pick up a friend and go for coffee.  We were looking forward to trying a new Italian place that's opened up not too far away just to see whether or not it lived up to expectations. That was the plan but then Ash came downstairs at 6.20am.  In the usual run of things I get up around 6am and manage at least an hour to myself before he comes down blurry eyed for the first of his cups of tea.  On a normal day it takes a minimum of three cups before he's properly functioning and sometimes there's a fourth in there too but this morning he's bright eyed and bushy tailed before he's had the first cup which may or may not bode well.  I'm unsettled because it's all an unknown.  On top of that he's excitedly telling me something but I have no idea what so it doesn't help to work out what's going on. This early start means Ash is up and dressed by 7.10, the time he's usually just waking up, and then I have to work out what that ...

Have you been wondering how my pampering session went last Sunday?  If you have I'm here to tell you it was lovely.  Apart from the fact that I forgot all about my lovely soaps it was practically perfect and why I forgot those when they were staring at me from the bathroom window sill I have no idea. One of the really wonderful things about it all was the anticipation which was with me for several days beforehand.  I almost caved in a couple of times but made myself wait and it really was worth it.  I soaked and read, soaked some more and read some more and got out looking more than a little pink and wrinkled but also feeling more than a little relaxed.  I'd remembered the plan to have something waiting for tea which just needed to be reheated and it was all very lovely. Anyway that's got me thinking once more and here's where the thinking has got me.  It's fairly obvious that Ash is needing more and more support and that life is going to become slightly mo...

 No posts for a couple of days because, as you may have noticed if you get this by email, I messed up the settings.  All I wanted to do was change the time the blog post went out and for some reason I decided that I was a grown up and could sort it out on my own.  I very quickly realised I was no such thing but luckily I have a friend who is a grown up, in IT matters anyway, and she sorted it all out for me quite quickly.  At least I hope she did but this post will be the test. Quite a lot happened over the weekend but the one thing I really wanted to tell you about as soon as it happened is imprinted on my brain because it was our most recent brush with the oddness of dementia. First of all, when he was about to lay the table for tea on Saturday, Ash came through and asked me if Jane was coming home or if she was sitting with her mum.  I said Jane wasn’t going to be home and he was fine with that. Next, around 9.15, he got up from his chair, came over to me and...

For the first six months of this year I took part in a creative writing project in which we had to produce excerpts of our lives growing up.  There were nine of us and at the end of the six months our scribblings were turned into a book.  The first thing I noticed was that, whereas everyone else began with their early childhood, my stories were all from being a teenager.  As I thought about it all I realised that I didn't have many clear pictures in my mind of my early years and  the vast majority of my memories began when I met Ash. I don't mean that I don't remember anything from before him because of course I do.  I remember holidays with my mum, I remember my grandparents moving in next door but one to us and always being there when I needed them, I remember mum working all the hours she could just to provide us with what we needed and I remember flashes of primary school.  I remember all of that but the clearest pictures are definitely from about the a...

 This really is a life of ups, downs and weirdness. No particular downs to report at the moment but weirdness came last night when Ash asked if Jake was going to be late home or staying out all night.  He asked something similar on Sunday evening and that time, for some utterly unknown reason, I replied that Jake didn't live here any more.  Last night I just said he was staying out and we didn't need to worry which seemed to satisfy him.  The thing is the first time Ash asked that question it felt really weird, last night it was still weird but less so and I know that the next time it happens it will feel completely normal.  It's interesting to see how quickly we can get used to each new 'normal'. To counterbalance that weirdness I've had the loveliest day out today.  S came to spend the day with Ash and I escaped with two friends .  We treated ourselves to coffee at one of the oldest hotels in the county https://www.georgehotelofstamford.com/hotel , u...

 The last couple of weeks have seen a bit of a downturn in Ash's abilities.  We've had him forgetting to eat lunch, unable to work out how to get tea from a pot into a mug, thrown into confusion because the supermarket trolley had to go back to somewhere other than it's usual place and, finally, asking whether to leave the door open last night when we went to bed so that Jake could get in when he arrived home. All of this came along in a drip, drip, drip effect and other than being taken aback a little each time I thought I'd taken it all in my stride.  And I had taken it in my stride right up until this afternoon when I listed it all just to let S know when she comes on Thursday.  Seeing it all written down in front of me showed me a reality I hadn't quite taken on board and I was a little down for a while. I realised though that staying down helped no-one, least of all me, so I decided to focus on that Sunday afternoon bath I've decided to treat myself to.  As...

Three more friend stories today. Firstly a friend messaged me yesterday afternoon to ask how my Sunday bath had worked out.  At that moment I was sitting in front of my laptop thinking once again how much I disliked Sundays just because I'd completely forgotten my plan to treat myself.  I raced upstairs, ran the bath, floated some of my soap flowers on the surface of the water and spent a very lovely half hour soaking, reading and generally feeling very spoilt and more than a little decadent.  I felt wonderful when I got out and have since been thinking about how the experience could be improved.  Currently I'm considering buying a bath pillow, a wooden tray to sit across the bath where I can place my mug of tea and a new, fluffy towel just for use on a Sunday afternoon.  If you have any other ideas I'd be very interested to hear them but please bear in mind that I don't drink and hate smelly candles. So that was yesterday's friend story and then this morning I ...

 A friend and I were discussing life in general a few days ago when I came out with one of my usual descriptions of my particular life.  As we drank our coffee I said that I was amazed at how easily I could get to the end of the day having achieved absolutely nothing.   She looked at me and very seriously said (and I'm paraphrasing here because I can't remember the exact words) 'if you get to the end of the day having stayed sane while keeping Ash calm and happy then I wouldn't say that's achieving nothing'.  I was a little taken aback just because I hadn't thought of it quite like that before.  In fact I hadn't thought of it at all like that before but I've been pondering those words ever since and I've come to the conclusion that she's right.   I carried on working after Ash's diagnosis and even though I reduced my hours again and again until they were so negligible as to barely count, in my head I was still working.  Then I gave up wor...

 Ash was up and wandering at 2.15 this morning so it was never going to be an easy day but the morning, when we finally got to a civilized hour, was bright, a walk in the Lincolnshire Wolds with a friend was beckoning and I was feeling positive. The positive feeling lasted until I went to leave for my walk and discovered the back door was still locked which meant that Ash hadn't been out with Max for his early morning walk.  He hadn't gone for the walk which was one thing but neither was there any realisation that he should have done just that and it was yet another thing to add to the list of what I now need to look out for. On with the morning out then and it was lovely.  The sun shone, we only got lost once or twice (and in different places to where we got lost the last time we tried this particular walk so that was a plus) and we found a sheltered spot for coffee and sausage rolls, what more could we want. I got home approximately forty five minutes after Ash would us...

 I used to hate shopping.  If I was buying clothes the picture I had of me in my head never matched reality and everything I tried on made me look like a sack of potatoes; I didn't treat myself because we were either broke or I had no time for treats and I have an aversion to crowds so shopping at weekends was always a trial.  Cut to this morning and what a difference, not so much with the clothes side of things but definitely with my approach to treats. A friend and I were going to see the seals just up the coast from here ( https://www.lincstrust.org.uk/nature-reserves/donna-nook-national-nature-reserve ) however not only was the weather cold and unpredictable but there were very few seal pups as yet.  We looked at the black sky, shivered in the cold wind and decided, understandably I think, that we might prefer coffee somewhere nice and warm. Half an hour later, with food and hot beverages in front of us, we gazed in awe at our surroundings and discovered that we ...

 I've had a difficult couple of days which, although punctuated by good bits, meant I was in danger of falling into the doldrums.  However I really hate the way I feel when that happens and eventually something had to give.  I could choose to carry on feeling sorry for myself or I could pick myself up, dust myself off and do something to change the way I was feeling.   I was given a bit of a kick start when I met up with a friend this lunch time.  We chatted, laughed, caught up on each other's news and I left with a smile on my face which always helps to lift a mood but what next? Now those who know me well know that I hate housework but there's something cathartic about having a really good clear out so I decided I'd have a go at the kitchen cupboards.  It seemed a very long time since I'd set about this particular task and the discovery of a packet of something almost unidentifiable with a 'best before' date of 2006 proved that point.  In my def...

 So many good things have happened since I last posted.  That one was about tiredness and snapping and confusion, all the things that dementia brings in its wake so this time I really planned to write about light and happiness and joy (most unlike me you may think) and then the tv aerial stops working. I've had such a good few days.  Walks on two different days with different friends, birthday lunch with the now 8 year old (I can't quite believe he was a 5 year old when I began writing this blog), coffee out for Ash and me, all good things which help my world go round and then, just when I feel we're sailing along quite happily, the wind and the rain come along and knock the aerial out. We came home to this after the birthday lunch and that was a shame because Ash had coped so well.  Jake had provided lunch but I'd also taken one of Ash's usual sandwiches along just in case and the sight of it made him feel so at ease that he even ate some of the other food items on...