Memory for two

 The last week, as many of you living alongside dementia will acknowledge I'm sure, has been difficult but yesterday I could feel myself rising out of the dark and was hopeful for the future.  Today I woke with a smile on my face and knew I'd beaten those demons all over again.  I'm ok with the downs of this life now as I know they won't last and I think I actually like the challenge with the dark days certainly making me appreciate the brighter ones.  So I woke with that smile and a renewed energy which got me through grocery shopping and then into the afternoon where we went out together to sort logs for the fire.  The sun was shining as I handed Ash branches to reduce in size and then, when we'd finished that, he went back inside while I stayed to chop sticks and saw smaller bits of wood.  We now have enough wood to last us a couple of weeks and then my very own chainsaw will be here.  Can you tell I'm excited? Don't forget you can sign up to have this de

I've decided that there's nothing quite as odd as spending Christmas with someone who you used to know better than you knew yourself, someone who looks and sounds just like the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with, but then discovering it's all an illusion and that the person in question is just a pale imitation of the one that went before.  Admittedly this happens sometimes in the course of our everyday lives but not as often as it used to so at Christmas, when everything is magnified a hundred times and memories are everywhere, it's particularly difficult to deal with.  I'm not saying this is the worst that could happen to me because I know there are people out there going through much worse but what I do think is that to sit next to someone, to share this special time with them, while acknowledging they've already left you is dispiriting to say the least.  My life isn't all doom and gloom of course and a walk with friends this morning fo

 How was your Christmas?  Did it go in a flash?  Was it quiet but nice?  Did you get out into the fresh air?  As you know I thought I had it mostly under control but am sure you won't be surprised to learn that I didn't have quite as much control over my emotions as I thought I had.  Christmas Day was ok apart from the gaping hole in my life that became apparent once again when I suggested Ash helped me with the present wrapping.  Not too much to do but he's always been the present wrapper extraordinaire and I'm rubbish at it.  In the past my role has been to place the sellotape exactly as instructed and nothing more, last year I did the wrapping but Ash supervised, this year he wanted nothing to do with it and that was one of those things which showed how much everything's changed.  So Christmas Day went without a hitch partly I think because after last year I had such low expectations but then, having got through the big day, I found yesterday quite emotional as I

 Silly me.  Fancy thinking that I had everything under control, that Christmas-related anxiety could be kept at bay and that this festive season would be calmer than the last one.  Everywhere we look the big day is lurking and if it's not that on the tv it's the uncertainty brought into our lives by Covid 19 and it seems Ash no longer knows which way to turn.  As we made our way through the village to deliver cards to friends we've known for ever he couldn't work out who lived where; when I mentioned some place I'd driven through 'we' had an intense discussion on exactly where I was talking about; when we pulled the fridge out to discover why it was leaking all over the floor I was given a VERY long lecture on exactly how a fridge works and now he's started tidying up and putting things away.  This last is so out of character that it rendered me temporarily speechless which, as my friends will tell you, is a very rare event indeed and I'm constantly

 I thought you might like to know that, even with the current mess that is Christmas, I'm approaching the big day with a lightness of heart and a smile on my face.  There are several reasons for this but one is that the new Christmas decorations have been a huge hit with Ash.  They're very minimalist and so different to the usual ones that there's no comparison but that I think is the point.  They don't have him struggling to remember Christmases gone by, the pressure to act as he always has is gone and there's none of the usual hassle that comes with installing the tree, coaxing the lights to work and trying to remember where we put everything at the end of 2019.  So that's one reason but this afternoon two other things happened which have made me bounce around like Tigger on some legal high.  The first of these was driving up the new Lincoln bypass for the very first time.  I'm sure it wasn't open last week when I drove past the end of it but this afte

 I realised this morning that it's three years today since we were told Ash had dementia and I've been thinking about how much has changed over that time.  I emailed Jake to tell him and his response was to ask how I was feeling.  All I could say was that I feel an awful lot better now than I did three years ago.  Then I was distraught; I felt my life was over (not Ash's you might note, just mine) and I was terrified of what the future might hold.  Three years on I've come to terms with it all and I have to tell you that life is easier than I would have thought possible.  It's not perfect but then life rarely is, there are times when it takes all my self control not to scream with frustration and there are times when I look back and feel sad at what we've lost but on the whole life could, and has been, much worse.  Ash may not be able to do many of the things he used to do, he might have bouts of fear and frustration but on the whole, if I manage things carefull

 The last couple of days have been a little fraught due in part to an excess of confusion on Ash's part and (not entirely unconnected) a lack of sleep on my part but think we're over the worst for the moment and I have no wish to dwell on the dismal events so will tell you instead that today we worked together to get all the Christmas cards written and ready for posting tomorrow.  I wrote the cards, Ash stuck the labels on the envelopes and I think we managed to get all the cards into the corresponding envelopes without too much hassle.  Things didn't go quite as smoothly as I would have liked at the beginning but with a few adjustments we got into a rhythm and they're now in a pile ready to be despatched.  Ash has also suggested that we deliver the village ones together tomorrow afternoon.  It might not happen but at least the thought was there however briefly. In other news I wrote another piece for the Dementia Uk news letter and website looking back over our experie

  There are small changes afoot in this house at the moment and I'm really not very sure about them.  Mostly they're to do with light, or lack of it, and even though I'd been warned, they've taken me by surprise.  We've always preferred lamps rather than ceiling lights and for several years have only had one lamp on in the sitting room during the evening which has suited us just fine.  Ash watches his quiz shows, I watch something completely different on my lap top and nothing has a requirement for more light than that given off by a 40W light bulb.  Then Ash began to switch a second lamp on which was unusual but ok as far as I was concerned, still an ambient glow and nothing too bright, only now a third lamp has been added to the equation and it's right over where I sit with my laptop.  I walk into the room to find it's on and quietly switch it off and leave only to find when I go back in that it's on again.  For the moment at least I'm willing to g

I find it fascinating that I can be watching, reading or listening to something completely unrelated to dementia and suddenly hear something so relevant it takes my breath away.  It happened a few months ago when I read an interview with Dawn French in which she said 'I saved myself' and I thought 'that's me' then last night I watched a documentary about Dolly Parton, one of my favourite singers, and at one point she was talking about when her popularity waned and no-one wanted to listen to her.  This lasted for several years and, while talking about it, she said something that leapt out of the screen at me.  She said 'I've had to find ways to survive' and again I thought 'that's me' and it is.  Some people don't understand (or are admiring of) my positivity, they are bewildered (or surprised) by the fact that I seem to be permanently smiling and, very occasionally, I've been told I'm a saint.  I'm very, very far from being a

I think I mentioned a few days ago that I'd managed to sneak the old DVD recorder out of the sitting room and into 'my' room.  It was sitting unused and unloved and seemed to be going to waste whereas I could put it to use, especially over Christmas, so I waited until Ash went out, worked out which leads needed untangling and got it moved before he came back.  So far so good then but my next problem was getting it to work.  I studied the instruction booklet but it was obviously written in a foreign language and got me nowhere so I did what I always do, switched it off and tried to ignore it for a few days but it bugged me.  It used to work and it used to be very useful.  We could record onto it and save those recordings, we could buy DVDs and play them and it was just fun and handy to have around.  Now however we had stuff saved on it which I couldn't watch, we had a cupboard full of DVDs (and, sometimes, pork pies but that's a whole other story) I couldn't watc

When you live in a tier 3 area in Britain opportunities for outings are few and far between which is why I was particularly grateful to discover that the reason Ash has stopped wearing his waterproof coat even when the rain is lashing against the windows as he goes out of the door is because it rustles.  This is interesting because it didn't used to rustle or at least if it did that rustling wasn't a problem but now, suddenly, it is and I can only assume that Ash's hearing has changed or at least the way he tunes into sounds has changed.  Whatever the reason he now refuses to wear the old coat and, as there's no point in trying to persuade him otherwise, I suggested we went shopping for a new one which meant that this morning saw us on our merry way to our 'local' outdoor shop in the big city.  And we had a lovely time which isn't always a given nowadays.  We've never liked ordinary shopping, you'd never have seen either of us in a shopping centre an

 Today has been quite full but without being full-on which is always a bit of a relief.  I layered up this morning to get out at 7am and decided that walking in the cold and dark is a lovely way to wake up and clear my head but does involve a certain amount of concentration to make sure I don't fall over.  I walked very carefully but then decided that if I did slip I had so many layers on I'd probably bounce straight back up again so relaxed a little.  Got home with limbs intact, had breakfast and a shower then out to have my eyelashes tinted.  This is part of my determination to do things which make me smile and it's certainly done that.  It's pure vanity of course but having eyelashes I can see for the first time in years makes me feel good and brings me joy which, if you remember, is my new mantra.  Came out of the salon and across the road to buy Christmas cards and cheese scones to take home only to find, when I got to the till, that I'd forgotten my purse (eye

 You'll have noticed I'm sure that my default position in life is to make the best of what I've got rather than dwell on what's disappearing at an ever increasing speed but up to now this has mostly been about the big stuff.  The walks with friends make me laugh and keep me sane, the video calls keep me connected with friends on the other side of the world, my early morning wanders give me an hour (mostly in the dark at the moment) to get my thoughts straight and so on.  Then there's the really big stuff: buying the bright red sports car and arranging to pick it up on my birthday in order to lift the day out of the mundane; treating myself to a treadmill so that I can walk around the world with a special hike planned for Christmas day so that I can avoid the dark thoughts that come with memories of Christmas days gone by.  All of these help me get through this new life with much greater ease than I would have thought possible but now I've been pointed in yet ano

 The treadmill has been put to use!!  Yesterday afternoon I walked alongside Bondi Beach listening to some of my favourite music tracks and decided there are worse ways to spend just over half an hour when the rain is hammering on the windows and the wind is blowing everything around the garden.  I do realise that thirty five minutes isn't the longest walk in the world but by the time I was set up with my trainers on, my video chosen and my music turned up that was all the time I had and it was a trial which I think I can safely say worked just as well as I hoped it would.  Today saw a walk in the real world with friends where the views across the Lincolnshire Wolds were, in my opinion, even better than those across Bondi Beach but I do admit to being biased and if you ever find yourself this way then you'll have to judge for yourself.  Interestingly I've turned coward the last three mornings and skipped my early morning walks, choosing instead to stay in the warm but this

The treadmill, as you know, arrived in it's huge box two days ago and at this point you may be wondering how far I've walked on it and how many places I've visited so now is the time to tell you it took me until lunch time today before I got it going.  This was no fault of the machine or the manufacturer but absolutely down to my inability to acknowledge the need to read instructions before I start anything!  Everything I'd read on numerous websites told me that even the 7 year old could attach the hand rail to the sides of the treadmill and that was all that was needed except the 7 year old wasn't here and it was all down to me.  It took me two days to acknowledge that the diagrams in the instruction leaflet would be useful and then another hour to realise that I needed a third pair of hands.  With heavy heart I went to find Ash, asking him for help and knowing that he would insist on doing it himself which, if he couldn't figure it out, could lead to a meltdow

 Just sat down at my laptop to tell you about my trip to the dentist when there was a knock at the door.  Ash came through asking if I was expecting a delivery and of course I was because what else is there to do during lockdown other than order 'stuff' but what could it be?  I cast my mind back and realised it had to be either the new oil cloth for the kitchen table which Ash himself had chosen (I'm not sure about the design but he was insistent so am reserving judgement until I see it for real) or the wood straw I use for making my firelighters.  The delivery man was ages in the back of the van but we watched patiently through the front door (because, again, what else is there to do during lockdown) as he pulled a very large and obviously very heavy box out but it definitely couldn't be that unless that very high profile online company have got even more enthusiastic about excess packaging,  Finally, after it seemed the driver might just have lost our much smaller pac