Memory for two

What do you buy a mum who lives in a care home and is just about to celebrate her 93rd birthday?  Why, a stunning birthday cake of course. The birthday is tomorrow and the cake was ordered several weeks ago so off I went this  morning to collect it and then transport it a few miles to deliver it.  On the way I called for a relaxing coffee, then went to visit my favourite shoe shop in the hope that they would have some comfy, heeled and stylish summer sandals.  Of course I quickly realised that high heeled, comfy and stylish cannot possible exist in one piece of footwear so gave up and carried on to collect the cake.   Next it was off to the care home, a chat with one of the carers, a conversation with the new manager and then half an hour with mum.  She slept through most of my visit but I've assumed that's because her dementia is taking hold at an every increasing rate rather than a result of my boring conversation and at least I was in lovely surroundings with plenty to see w

 First I stopped writing because I was poorly, then I didn't write because I couldn't think what to say and now I haven't written because we're having a really, really lovely time and I don't want to jinx it all. On the other hand I'm currently happy and I thought that some of you might need to know that life with dementia isn't all doom and gloom. The sun, of course, has made a difference and Ash's outing with old friends certainly helped but what seems to have really continued the good work, and created an absolute transformation, is the use of the sun loungers on the patio. We've been out there almost every afternoon since Ash's birthday and for ten whole days there've been no signs of anger or frustration (on either side).  Instead it's been smiles all the way.  We apply the sun oil, turn the loungers to face the sun, switch the radio on and settle down to relax.  As an added bonus I've discovered a radio station which plays only

 I'm very pleased to be able to tell you that the reason for my lack of posts recently is not, as some of you may have thought, that things have been difficult.  On the contrary we've had a very lovely few days with smiles and laughter all round which is something to be savoured in the weird and wonderful world we inhabit. I told you in my last post about Ash's birthday lunch with old work friends but I didn't know then how long the effect of that lunch would last.  His confidence has gone through the roof, much of his energy has come back and he's barely stopped smiling since. We went to the pub for lunch on his birthday (Saturday) along with Jake and the 8 year old and that was a success, we met friends for coffee and cheese scones at a local churchyard on Easter Monday and that was a success, in fact for the past six days it's been fun almost all the way. Just in case you feel a need to warn me, I really don't expect it to last and this morning I actually

 I had plans for today but I really should have known better.   What happened?  If I tell you I left the cinema before the film ended will that give you a hint?  It wasn't a bad film but it was very dark and more than anything now I need joy and light in my life so that wouldn't do.  The good thing was that I only had myself to consider so I waited until I realised that no fun was involved in this film and then I got up and left.  The lady in charge of the coffee counter in the foyer didn't seem surprised. So that was the first thing, then I set out on a walk through the woods, following a path marked on my map, only to find a large section of it blocked by high fencing and building work.  I turned back and went for lunch instead, only I didn't because it's the Easter holidays and there wasn't a table to be had in any of the cafes I came across. At this point my day was in danger of being spoiled completely but that would have been such a waste so I paused, took

 Really  not the best day I've ever had but not the worst either so that's something I suppose. The problem is, I think, that we're at a difficult stage and it's one that requires far more patience than is within my grasp. The main difficulty is that Ash has no idea how to occupy himself, only that he should (in his head) be doing something but inspiration eludes us both.  Truth be told he's been bored since he woke at 6 o'clock this morning and my patience ran thin when I was asked only one hour into the day, and for the 8th time, what we were doing 'next'. Once upon a time I fantasised about lying on a Caribbean beach, book in hand (see yesterday's post) and time in the sun, now my dream is to spend just one day in my own house doing whatever I feel like doing with no-one else to consider and nothing to plan for. I had actually written myself a list for today, thinking that if I could get through it speedily we could go out to one of Ash's favo

I used to be a voracious reader.  Almost any book would grab my attention and I liked nothing better than to curl up with my latest find and ignore the world.  Once, when we went camping to France for three weeks, I read nine books while we were away and had a moment of panic when I thought I was going to run out before the end of the holiday. Then life got in the way and I started to read in bed at the end of the day or on holiday but not at other times.   Then home and work became difficult and I felt exhausted all the time which meant I struggled to read real books  because my tired eyes needed larger print so I switched to an e-reader.  Suddenly I had hundreds of books at my fingertips but the enthusiasm was waning. After Ash's diagnosis I couldn't settle to anything and sitting down to read just seemed to underline the lack of useful things to do in my life and so it went on. Then I moved into my own bedroom, turned it into a sanctuary and put a chair up there which gave m

 Another good day today but that was helped so much by the fact that the sun was shining. There's an awful lot of discussion and advice around how our moods can affect those whose lives we share, that the ones living with dementia pick up on our aura and react accordingly but I've come to realise that this also happens in reverse.  At least it does in this house. If Ash is in a bad mood my stomach churns and I tread on eggshells to get through the day; if he's confused I worry about him and if he's sad it upsets me and I want to make life better for him.  So it seems to me that, although rightly we're told we need to regulate our moods to make life better for for everyone concerned no-one tells us how to do that when we too are reacting to outside influences. It's not enough to say that we can make the changes whereas they cannot.  Personally I find there are times when Ash says something or reacts in a certain way and I really can't switch off and exude swe

A lovely, lovely day out with a friend today where I don't think I stopped smiling from the minute I left home to the minute I walked back in the door and even now I'm feeling relaxed and happy. We went to the 'big' city where we spent so long over coffee and lunch that we only managed three shops which, for someone who really doesn't like shopping, was just perfect. Not only that but in one of the three shops I discovered yet another gadget to revolutionise my life.  What is it?  A double slow cooker, something I didn't know existed but which I'm now itching to try out.  If I'm right I can cut down the number of days I have to cook and increase the number of days I just have to reheat, the thought of which fills me with a sense of relief and promises to keep my smile in place. So my day was a success which was wonderful but so was Ash's which was just as lovely.  In fact he had such a good day with S that he talked about it at the dinner table, all

 I'm definitely feeling better and more like myself now so here I am to once again report on daily life in our house.  I'm not promising anyone, least of all myself, that it will all be ok from now on but I thought I'd give it a try and see what happens.  Hope that's ok with all of you. Before I go any further however I want to thank all of you who emailed, messaged and commented on my last post.  I didn't answer because I really wasn't in the right place but they made all the difference and helped me pull myself back up so where on earth would I be without you all! And now I'm ready to face the world again and here we are.  So much has happened in the last few weeks and there have been so many ups and downs though that, rather than try and cover it all, I think I might just start again and see where we go from here so I hope you're ready for the ride. Ash is a little up and down at the moment and things can get a bit weird but, as reported before, it