Memory for two

 Do you remember the missing lid from the tin of adhesive ?  Well it's come to light.  I was going to say I found it but that really wouldn't be true.  I'd looked and looked in the main shed and it was nowhere to be seen but then, several days later, there it was on the work bench in full view.  No explanation, no idea where it had been and obviously no use at all asking Ash but there it was and now it's back in it's rightful place on top of the tin and looking for all the world as though it's never been anywhere else. So you'd think all would be right with my world but now there's another unexplained absence and this time it's a tale of the missing fence paint.  At the end of last week Ash mentioned several times that he was running out and, as painting fences is the one thing now guaranteed to give me some peace and quiet, we went off to buy more.  There was a special offer on and we came away with three tins of the stuff which I thought, going on

 So no blog post for nearly two weeks and of course there's a reason for that. Dementia moves at its own pace but I thought I had a handle on it all.  In fact I was so confident I had a handle on it all that I got cocky and began to relax. I'd decided, as you know, that I couldn't leave Ash for any length of time. I'd cancelled my twice weekly walks and spread the word that I wouldn't be able to go out for coffee and I thought all of that was entirely manageable.  Instead of the walks I'd start the 'Couch to 5K' programme (30 minute runs 3 times a week), instead of going out for coffee I'd ask people to come here and life could still offer some proximity to normality.  Except it hasn't quite worked out like that. A few months ago someone asked me how I managed to get things done with Ash following me around all the time and I blithely replied 'oh he doesn't do that, he's perfectly happy on his own' and he was.  Now however he isn&

 I've discovered something this year and I thought I'd share it with you. As many of you know Ash always did the gardening.  He used to tell people that I was chief 'pointer' - I'd point or wave my arms and say 'I think we should .........' and he would set to and turn my vision into reality.  He really could do anything and sometimes I only had to start the sentence and he'd leap into action.   Plant advice came from a friend and everyone always said everything in the garden was lovely which it was.   Then came dementia and everything changed.  Even before the diagnosis Ash had lost interest and slowly the garden became just a little bit wild.  I'm not always the most perceptive of people and it took a while for me to notice that weeds were growing in abundance, that bushes were spreading and plants were so crowded that they grew at odd angles. Then came lockdown and there was nothing to do other than garden so, with Ash looking on (or glaring at me

 You'll be pleased to hear that we've had a much better day today and I think we might be back on track. For the first time in four nights Ash didn't wake up in the early hours which always helps and, as a consequence, we were much calmer.   To be honest I think he was even more exhausted than I was which would explain yesterday but at the time I was a little concerned that we were in for another downward slide.  Or was I concerned? I'm not entirely sure about that which might horrify some of you but we all know what's coming and at the moment my whole life is on hold.  Being confined to this house right now is fine.  I don't let myself think that things could be any other way, the weather is (mostly) warm and I can keep us both busy in the garden but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere but there are times, even when Ash is happy, when the light at the end of the tunnel seems a long way away. Anyway, for now, w

 After a very good week today hasn't gone well which is such a shame. Friends came for coffee on Monday and Wednesday; Friday evening saw us out and socialising in the village and yesterday morning we joined Jake and family for a birthday walk and picnic lunch.  Through it all Ash has smiled, joked and chatted seeming so much like his old self that, for brief moments, it was almost possible that the last few years had been a terrible joke. The only fly in the ointment has been the broken nights and that's where today began badly.  For the third morning in a row Ash has decided that the earlier the hour the better the time to start his day and unfortunately I find that a struggle.   This morning I first heard him making his way downstairs at 4am.  I persuaded him back to bed but he was up again at 5am and by the third attempt at 5.45 I shouted.  I can almost hear some of you tut there in the background and I know I shouldn't; I know it only makes things worse and the best th

 A week ago today I realised once and for all that leaving Ash on his own was no longer an option.   I'd arranged to go for coffee with a friend.  We weren't going far and I wasn't going to be long but as I left the house I saw the panic on Ash's face and he was holding back tears.  Friend and I spent a lovely couple of hours drinking coffee and catching up but all the time Ash was at the back of my mind and I knew I couldn't do that to him again. Got home and messaged those I meet up with on a weekly basis, either for walks, lunches or coffees, and said that from now on I would be confined to barracks and then settled down waiting for boredom to set in. You might be thinking from all I've told you that my life has become ever more difficult and that's exactly how I thought things would be but the reality is that life has become infinitely easier.  Over the past seven days the only time I've left Ash on his own was yesterday when I had to go and collect