Managing expectations

I told a friend recently that to deal with her husband's dementia effectively she needed to lower her expectations but have been thinking about this and realised it's not true.  What those of us living with dementia must do is change our expectations not lower them.  Before I got my head around all of this life was very difficult.  I would get home expecting the house to be tidy, the lawn to be mown, the tea to be cooked and on and on.  After all Ash was at home doing nothing all day so why wouldn't everything be neat, tidy and ready for me?  Then I would get home, nothing would have been done and I was frustrated, disappointed and cross.  In the end I dreaded going home as what I expected was a house in turmoil and an argument (and almost invariably that's what was waiting).   What I didn't realise was that his mind no longer worked that way.  He wasn't capable of running the house, keeping the garden tidy and doing things in an orderly way which would mean everything got finished.  On top of that he knew that I would be cross and that made him anxious which in turn made him angry at life.  A vicious circle if ever there was one.  I have changed my expectations and now as long as I come home to peace and calm it's enough.  I don't care how we get to that point and if it means Ash pottering all day but achieving nothing then that's fine with me.   In return he is happy and less anxious which means he functions better.  A win-win situation I think.

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