Learning to live with life changes
I said yesterday that accepting the situation you're in is the beginning of making your life easier and that really is the truth. Since all of this began every so often something has happened which has knocked me sideways or I've noticed that our life has changed in a way I didn't expect and that made me worried about the future. However I've realised that, as long as you accept them, very quickly these changes become the norm and then they are no longer frightening.
Before the diagnosis of dementia life changed without me noticing. I was worried about Ash but not about 'us', after all it was 'only' anxiety and depression, there was a cure and it wasn't forever. Not long after the diagnosis, (while I was still in panic mode and before I'd moved towards acceptance) I was away for work. Ash phoned me at 6pm for a chat and to ask what I'd done during the day. Half an hour later he phoned me again for a chat and to ask what I'd done during the day. He had no recollection of the first phone call and afterwards I laid on the bed and cried. If that happened today I would think nothing of it, in fact it would probably make me smile. A couple of months after starting the blog people began to say nice things about it. All I could think was that Ash would have been so proud of me and I cried because I couldn't talk to him about it. Now I'm just grateful that people read it and I know that some of my misspent school days, especially in English lessons, weren't so misspent after all. When I realised at the beginning of this summer that he had lost all interest in the garden which used to be his pride and joy I cried but now I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to keep it all under control by myself and it actually looks quite good. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that he no longer liked eating outside and would much prefer to eat in front of the tv. This really shook me because he was always the one to suggest having supper on the patio or in the summer house just because we could. I cried but then realised that at least if we eat in front of the tv he can hold a conversation and discussing the news means he's not yet cut off from the world. So what I'm trying to say is that no feeling stays unchanged and I now find it hard to remember what life was like 'before', before he started to forget things; before he started repeating himself; before he couldn't go shopping on his own; before he went out to meet someone to collect firewood and got lost. So many 'befores' but life still hasn't come to an end, we still have a good time and we still laugh a lot so I find acceptance has worked and has made life so much better. I just wish we'd got here sooner.
Before the diagnosis of dementia life changed without me noticing. I was worried about Ash but not about 'us', after all it was 'only' anxiety and depression, there was a cure and it wasn't forever. Not long after the diagnosis, (while I was still in panic mode and before I'd moved towards acceptance) I was away for work. Ash phoned me at 6pm for a chat and to ask what I'd done during the day. Half an hour later he phoned me again for a chat and to ask what I'd done during the day. He had no recollection of the first phone call and afterwards I laid on the bed and cried. If that happened today I would think nothing of it, in fact it would probably make me smile. A couple of months after starting the blog people began to say nice things about it. All I could think was that Ash would have been so proud of me and I cried because I couldn't talk to him about it. Now I'm just grateful that people read it and I know that some of my misspent school days, especially in English lessons, weren't so misspent after all. When I realised at the beginning of this summer that he had lost all interest in the garden which used to be his pride and joy I cried but now I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to keep it all under control by myself and it actually looks quite good. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that he no longer liked eating outside and would much prefer to eat in front of the tv. This really shook me because he was always the one to suggest having supper on the patio or in the summer house just because we could. I cried but then realised that at least if we eat in front of the tv he can hold a conversation and discussing the news means he's not yet cut off from the world. So what I'm trying to say is that no feeling stays unchanged and I now find it hard to remember what life was like 'before', before he started to forget things; before he started repeating himself; before he couldn't go shopping on his own; before he went out to meet someone to collect firewood and got lost. So many 'befores' but life still hasn't come to an end, we still have a good time and we still laugh a lot so I find acceptance has worked and has made life so much better. I just wish we'd got here sooner.
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