Worrying is such a waste of time
Yesterday I was back at work after almost three weeks off and have felt sick at thought of it all over the weekend. This wasn't at all because I don't like my job (in fact it's one of the nicest jobs I've ever had) but more to do with the fact that we have had such a nice time over the weeks I haven't been at work. The minute I closed my computer on Wednesday 5th September and said 'that's it, no more work for two and a half weeks' Ash relaxed, in fact I could almost see him physically unwind. From that moment it was as though he felt there was nothing to be anxious about, nothing to think about and nothing to worry about. He didn't have to remember anything, he didn't have to think of things to do, he had no responsibility. For twenty days he could let me do all the thinking that needed to be done and all that he needed to do was follow my lead. Now you may think this happens anyway and you may have noticed that is the way I plan our lives so that Ash can live in a virtually stress free environment which is so much better for his well-being but in his head he obviously still has some feeling that he should be playing his part. So the past nearly three weeks have been lovely. For the first time in years I've had time off and we've stayed at home; we've had days out; we've gone for walks; we've been out and about in the village and it really couldn't have been better. Having read all of that you can maybe now see why I've had a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last few days. I was worried that as soon as I started focusing on work instead of us the anxiety would return and we would take a step backward. HOWEVER I would like you to know that I worried unnecessarily as is so often the case. I had help in the fact that a friend asked Ash to paint her fence and trim her hedge which has meant he's been busy and has had a purpose to his life which always makes a difference but I also think that, as when we went away in May, these few weeks have allowed both of us to take a step away from real life, to take a deep breath and re-assess what we're doing and how we're spending our time. It is so easy to get bogged down in day to day life when we should be grabbing every opportunity (however infrequently they may come our way) to do something nice and to enjoy being in each other's company. So that is one of the things I've learnt from this experience. The other is to not bother worrying. I had no real idea how things were going to be when I started work again so instead of enjoying the last few days I wasted them unnecessarily.