Being caught unawares can be a good thing
Yesterday I talked about how I was caught unawares when I listened for the first time to a voice message recorded by Ash before dementia set in. It knocked me sideways at the time because of the contrast between him then and him now however after I'd caught my breath I thought about that recording again and again and finally plucked up courage to listen to it once more this afternoon. That second time of listening was actually, I decided, quite lovely. I have written a lot about what good fun he was, how he made me laugh all day every day, how he liked to surprise me and how he always made me feel good about myself but recently I've found myself wondering whether I'd imagined it all, whether it had been a dream or whether in my mind I'd created something that had never existed. That answerphone message made me realise all over again that we did have something amazing and we had it for a very long time. Now I think we still have something amazing but it's different. He's no longer the confident, energetic, strong person he once was but if I make sure life is stress free then some of the old Ash still shines through and that's something worth holding on to. Think I'll be listening to that message on a regular basis just to remind me what it's all about.