Bemused

I am  bemused on behalf of all those who are friends of people with dementia in their lives.  Just now I have read a post on a forum written by someone who has had a few difficult holidays recently.  She had told a friend that she had given up on holidays and the friend instantly suggested that this lady and her husband (who has dementia) joined them on holiday so that the friends could be there to lend a hand where needed.    This was apparently completely insensitive and the friend had no idea what demands dementia brings.  The lady was now considering not speaking to the friend ever again.  I'm hoping you're with me in being bemused at this.  There was no recognition that the friend was trying to help, no understanding that the friend was willing to adjust her own holiday needs in order to be a support and no comprehension that this offer was a big deal by any standard of friendship.  All that mattered was that the friend 'didn't understand the situation'.  I don't think we can ever understand what someone else is going through but I do know that every single one of our friends has been supportive through our trials and tribulations and I also know that without them we wouldn't be where we are now.  I have told them about strategies such as not asking questions, I have shared information about dementia, I have let them know some of what we're going through and they have absorbed all of it.  Last night friends came for a meal,  They were brilliant at not asking questions so conversation flowed all around the table.  We then all went to a social evening in the village hall where we watched films of the local area spanning the last 60 years.  There was an interval halfway through where everyone chatted and Ash was completely included.  Not one person asked him a question and so he was able to join in without feeling anxious which I thought was wonderful.  We had such a good time and none of it would have been possible without those around us.  If you are living a life affected by dementia then I suggest that you give your friends as much information as you can both about what help you need and what strategies will make a difference.  If you don't tell them how will they know?   Friends are so important to our lives and we should be grateful to have them.  If they really don't understand what you're going through (and how can they?) you can still appreciate the fact that they continue to be a part of your lives when others have fallen by the wayside.

I have made some changes to settings on this blog and someone yesterday managed to leave a comment which was very exciting.  If you have tried in the past and failed please try again and we can see if it works.

I have also posted an interesting article on the fb group which some of you might find helpful.  If you want to see it go to   https://www.facebook.com/groups/1990374111022679/

Comments

Sarah H said…
Excellent! Ash definitely on good form last night. Keep doing what you’re doing and I agree that the more info/advice we all have the better it is and the better friends we can be to you both . . .
Lesley said…
Now you have got your head around the strategies, do you have any tips for those of us still having to learn them? 'Not asking questions' for instance, doesn't come naturally and can feel quite rude - I have a feeling I am going to be doing a lot of tongue-biting!
Jane said…
definitely doesn't come naturally but if you try a conversation without questions then suddenly ask a question of the person with dementia you'll instantly notice how unsettled they become. Once you realise that they really don't want you to ask them anything it gets easier.