Reality check

My good mood lasted right up until I got home last night but then the man who used to do all the cooking in this house tried to set the timer on the cooker.  He stared at it for ages, then got down on his knees to get a better look and finally managed to set it for 20 hrs instead of 20 minutes with no concept of how long it was taking to go through the clock.  This sent shock waves down my spine and scared the life out of me.  Jake thinks it could just be Ash's way of reacting to the stress of everything I'm going through with my mum and he's probably right but on the other hand it could be another step down the hill of dementia and I won't really know until things have calmed down a bit.  Then this morning we went grocery shopping and he snapped at me.  In our previous life this never happened and it always shocks me when it happens now.  I'd been awake since 4am again and was so tired I just dissolved into tears which of course made it all worse.  However the situation with my mum has its uses and when he asked crossly why I was crying instead of saying 'because you've turned into someone I don't recognise' I said 'I'm so worried about mum and what's going to happen with her' and suddenly he understood and gave me a great hug.  Situations with my mum are the only thing that produces that response nowadays and I'm not ashamed to say I use them as an excuse on a regular basis.  The day got better though as this afternoon I had a drive into the wolds for work.  An hour each way in the sunshine with my music playing and suddenly all was right with the world once again.  It really doesn't take much to make me feel better.

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Lesley said…
So sorry - facing this is gut-wrenchingly difficult but I LOVE your little pic and quote today. You absolutely do have to create your own sunshine - keep singing along to those tunes! xxx
Jane said…
I sing very, very loudly sometimes. Think it was only difficult because I'm so tired and life will get easier soon so there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Ann said…
My heart goes out to you Jane. This Dementia journey is such a ‘rollercoaster’ and on top of this you’ve had to deal with your lovely Mums future too. No wonder you’re exhausted. All I can say is, having recently been in a more fortunate position to be able to simplify my life, things are so much better. If you’ve only one thing to deal with (my beloveds Dementia) everything becomes manageable. We’ve even begun to laugh and make a few fun plans for this year. I’m praying you’ll soon be in this position too, Jane. X
Jane said…
I really think I will. This is the storm before the calm and by the beginning of May everything will look so different. Interestingly it's the difficulties with my mum that have caused the stress rather than the dementia. Before that we too were starting to laugh again and have fun so my aim is to get back to that point very soon.
All I can say is Bless your heart! I am glad came across your blog by accident because this has become a big fear for me in the last 6 months or so. My heart & prayers go out to you & your husband. Big hug to you as well!
Jane said…
I'm glad you came across the blog too, it really helps me to know there are other people out there who know how I feel. What I will say is that I wrote this post over a year ago and the awful feeling has disappeared. Each time I notice that there's a new thing Ash can't do that he used to be able to my stomach flips and I feel as though someone's kicked me but I've discovered that the next time it happens with that same skill I'm ok with it. Maybe that's one of the blessings of his form of dementia, the decline is slow enough that you become used to it very gradually. please feel free to comment again. I love it when people do.