All those 'last times'

I discovered last night that the non mowing of sections of the lawn yesterday had more of an effect than I realised.  To be perfectly honest it played on my mind all evening and then I found it was all I could think about when I went to bed.  I couldn't understand it, it was after all only two small patches of grass that were now slightly longer than the rest so why did it bother me so much?  I've thought and thought about this and decided it's because that particular change in Ash is so noticeable.  Other parts of his personality and being have disappeared almost in a drip-feed kind of way.  The Ash I've known and loved for all these years is melting away so slowly it's only when I look back that I realise how much of him is missing and which bits are gone.  With the grass mowing however we've had a long gap called winter so this missing part hasn't been noticeable until now.  I've just read an on-line article about 'the last time' where we were asked 'when was the last time your loved one ...............?' and I realised, just as the author had, that generally you don't recognise 'the last time' until it's passed.   The last time he bought champagne 'just because', the last time he cooked supper, the last time he came up with something fun to do, the last time he did the shopping on his own, the last time he surprised me with a treat ....... all of those 'last times' and none of them brought to mind with a definite date, time or period in our lives.  This is slightly different.  I don't remember the exact date but I know that the last time Ash mowed the lawn completely and normally was at the end of last summer.  I also know that it is unlikely to happen again and that's what upset me, another piece of him has gone missing never to return.

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Lesley said…
Very tough. Focus on those millions of memories of amazing things you have done together over many years And the simple things you are still doing day by day which signal togetherness and bring pleasure. You can do it. xx