Life is slightly odd nowadays

Let me rephrase that slightly.  Life is very odd nowadays.  I was thinking about this earlier and thought I'd share it with you.  I do, I've decided, love being at home so much more especially in this hot weather when, for the first time in approximately 28 years, I'm spending the summer in the garden.  However currently I'm live with someone who looks like my husband and sounds like my husband but who is just a pale imitation (all of which I think I've said before) and I don't feel as though I share my life with him.  I certainly don't share my hopes and dreams because he's really not interested.  We almost share the same sense of humour but not quite.  Where I was always completely sure of being able to make him laugh now sometimes I'll make a comment and he'll say 'what do you mean?' which throws me and makes me feel stupid.  We don't have proper conversations as again he's not really interested and gets lost half way through.  It's a bit like having a house mate who you've known for a very long time but not very well.  We're polite to each other, we laugh and chat together superficially; we eat together but there is no common goal, no sense of working as a team, no meeting of minds, no shared glances across a crowded room; we co-exist but the joy is missing from our lives somehow and I find that sad.  There are however good things about this life.  We like each other (which helps), we live in a beautiful part of the country in a lovely house in an amazingly supportive village and are surrounded by friends; finances may be tighter than they were but we're still not on the poverty line, if I need to escape there is always someone to escape with and there is always someone checking we're ok and that I'm still sane.  Things then could be so much worse and I know I have lots to be grateful for, it's just not quite what I was expecting.  I'm fairly sure however that in the community of those living a life affected by dementia I'm not the only one and still life goes on.

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Lesley said…
Counting your blessings is always a good plan - despite the heartbreak, there is so much to be thankful for not only in your today but also in the miriad of happy memories you've already made and, I know, the differently happy times you will continue to have. You've had SUCH a good marriage and still have love and loyalty and determination, whatever happens.xx
Jane said…
But knowing all of that doesn't always help when there is little emotional connection. So I can and do count my blessings, I can and do make the best of what there is but when I reach for his hand and there's no response it makes life a little difficult sometimes.
Lesley said…
I'm sure it does - hardest thing ever. :o(