Moving on slowly and carefully
Things are better you might be pleased to know. There are still lots of ups and downs but I think we're not on our own with that and at least the ups last longer than the downs. Over the past few days Ash has been so much more like his old self that I have to be careful not to fall into the usual trap of thinking 'well it was obviously all a mistake and we can go back to how we used to be' which is my default position when things are going well. I'm trying not to relax too much as I know how quickly things can fall apart but at this moment it all feels pretty good. We have moved into some sort of rhythm where I try not to race around and where I think first and act second. I need to tell you now that this doesn't come easily to me, it's not in my nature but I'm getting better. Have you ever had a time when you've seen a living thing that you want to look at close up and so have made yourself still and moved slowly and carefully so as not to startle it? Well that's me right now and the living thing I'm trying not to startle is Ash. It seems to be working although I still sometimes get it wrong but I'm so much better than I used to be that I'm actually quite proud of myself. One of the things I've found that works is to only arrange one thing for each day. I used to try and cram as many things into a day as possible on the basis that, if they were close to each other geographically, I could cut down on travelling. That was ok but definitely made for a busy life. Now I look at my diary and think 'well this week's busy' but when I look more closely it really is only one thing per day so if I'm out in the evening then the day is free, if I'm meeting someone for coffee then the afternoon and evening are free and so on. As a result I'm more relaxed and as a result of that Ash is more relaxed. No idea how long this will last (usually no more than a few days if I'm honest) but at least there are some nice times to look back on, oh and we have a newly painted summer house, a recently re-floored log shelter and the hedge is about to be trimmed which is what I mean by 'so much more like his old self'.
Yes, we live a strange ‘other world’ life. I do sometimes think I’ve suddenly been transported to a planet that I don’t recognise, but that’s just the way it is. My beloved didn’t ask for this terrible disease and it’s my job to try to understand and make life as pleasant as I can for him. When you love someone....it’s just what you do.