Ambushed

A few days ago I told you I had started reading John Suchet's book 'My Bonnie: How Dementia Stole the Love of my Life' and I'm here now to tell you that after a week of almost solid reading I've finished it.  What struck me about John's writing was how much of what he was feeling throughout his wife's illness was so familiar to me and almost every time I turned the page I read something that made me think 'I'll quote that bit and write about it'.  But then I'd be past it and onto something else which affected me in exactly the same way so all I can say is that if you want confirmation of what I tell you on an almost daily basis then read this book.  The details of the dementia will be different I'm sure but I'm equally certain that you'll recognise John's description of his thoughts and emotions.  The one thing that really jumped out at me came towards the very end of the book when he talked about being ambushed by grief and I knew exactly what he was talking about.  I've written about anticipatory grief and I'm never surprised when I'm reduced to tears because Ash has shouted or I've done something stupid and upset him.  What has surprised me though are the times when we've been on an even keel and I suddenly feel as though I've been punched in the stomach.  I gasp and tears spring to my eyes but it's come out of nowhere.  It happened once when I was walking through the kitchen as Ash was gazing at the bird feeder in the garden; it's happened on numerous occasions as I've been driving through the countryside and each time I feel completely overwhelmed.  Once I had to stop the car for several minutes until I felt able to carry on.  I couldn't work out what was wrong with me, why this kept happening but now I know it happens to others too.  Most of the time we manage to keep the grief at bay but sometimes it leaps out in the perfect ambush and all we can do is wait until we've been released from it's clutches and then carry on. 


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Comments

Ann said…
Oh my goodness, you must be psychic Jane. Yesterday was one ambush after another!

Yes, it was a stressful day (my love felt ‘ill’, I had to take Mum to hospital for a procedure, pick up her car after it’s MOT, wait in for the plumber - who didn’t turn up etc. etc) BUT normally I can cope. Yesterday, however, I had to take myself off for a walk to try and relieve my feelings and spent the whole time trying to stop myself from bursting into tears, in the street. Holding the grief in only lasted until I got in the shower later....then the dam finally broke.

Thank you for writing about this subject Jane. I’m sure it’s something everyone who is living with Dementia recognises. On a positive note, I too felt so much better after I’d had a good sob. Plus, the sun is out today.....have a lovely break Jane.
Jane said…
It's the way it comes out of nowhere than always gets me. One minute I'm fine and coping, the next I'm a mess. But you're right, it's good to know we're not alone.
Lesley said…
Different situation, but it happens to me too. Once happened in the middle of an A level class. Not good. But it does come in waves and it's those seventh waves, the ones that really knock you off your feet, that are the buggers. Like everything else you learn to live with it tho - let them come, let the emotion out, smile and move on. xxx
Sarah H said…
Different circumstances for me but I do know exactly what you mean and it does help to know you are not at all alone (or going mad). I suspect it is a bit worse for those of us who like to feel nicely in control of things . . . Think of it as the hissing valve on a pressure cooker as it gets up to steam and . . . I do think these episodes act as a sort of release valve . . .