A wedding anniversary with a difference

Well guess what, the day didn't exactly go to plan but really why am I surprised?  I'm beginning to think that's the story of my life nowadays.  We got off to a bad start from the very beginning and the day began to go downhill from there with the lowest point being when Ash decided he didn't want to go for that walk on the beach that we'd planned with such glee yesterday.  Right there and then I was overwhelmed firstly by the feeling of responsibility for our lives that is now solely mine and then, like a blow to the stomach, a longing for our old life.  The one where I would have planned the trip to the beach but Ash would have made it special by producing from a rucksack smoked salmon and a bottle of bubbly halfway through the walk.  He would have remembered glasses and napkins, would have found just the right spot to sit and and would have told me he loved me.  Today all he said was 'I think I'd rather stay at home'.  This then is the reality of dementia.  The person you've got to know, the person you've shared your life with no longer exists and in their place is a stranger, a lodger in your house.  So I admit I was upset but the thing was that, even though I tried not to show it, he knew and was baffled as to the reason why.  We each took ourselves off to a different part of the house while we tried to work out what to do and suddenly there he was at my side saying 'It's our wedding anniversary, that's why we were going to the beach and I'd forgotten.   I'm sorry.'  This afternoon we got that walk along the beach, in the sunshine and with the dog alongside and I realised that he's not completely lost to me, not yet.


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Comments

Unknown said…
Just had to go and redo my make up....
Jane said…
Sorry. I really do try to be as upbeat as possible but we all have bad days and at least it lets others going through something similar know that they're not on their own.
Ann said…
Your honesty is so welcome and helpful Jane, never apologise. At times, like you’ve so beautifully described, we wouldn’t be human if it didn’t strike at the very core of our emotions.

Wishing for some better days to come and enjoy.......x
Unknown said…
I didn't mean my comment to sound negative. It was just very moving.
Jane said…
and I didn't take it as a negative so that's ok. I'm always pleased to know people read my blog and that it moves them to comment.