A lovely few days away BUT ..........

 Back home, back to normality (whatever that is) and time to take stock.  Getting away was difficult with anxiety kicking in from the moment we woke on Monday morning and I uttered the fateful words 'we're leaving after lunch'.  Why? What for? Where were we going? How long were we going to be away? Were we taking the dog?The list of questions went on and on right up until we left.  I packed the bags, got the food together, gathered the coats and boots, measured out the dog food, picked up the dog bed/harness/lead and made my way out to the truck where Ash was waiting to stow it all away and that was when reality hit.  The man who on more than one occasion managed to pack the three of us plus equipment and clothes into a soft top Ford Escort for a three week camping trip to France stood looking from the small pile of bags and boxes to the back of his four wheel drive truck and back again with no idea where to start.  Once upon a time he was a champion car packer.  He had a rule that no matter how small the vehicle or how long the trip nothing could be above window height and he absolutely nailed that every single time.  On Monday I had to suggest he climbed into the back of the truck and then handed the bags and boxes to him with instructions as to where each one should go.  So the anxiety on the morning we left combined with the middle of the night panic attack while we were away and the realisation that, even though we were spending time with people we love in a beautiful place, he'd much rather have been at home has brought me to the decision that this was our last trip away.  We live in a lovely cottage, in a beautiful part of the countryside, surrounded by friends and there seems no good reason to drag Ash away so we're now going to stay in the place he loves the most in the whole world, surrounded by familiar people and things and where he'll be able to go out of the door without being afraid he'll get lost.  Since his diagnosis nearly two years ago we've been to Lanzarote, Florida, the Cotswolds and a cabin in the forest twice so. although we've slowed down, we haven't done badly but now's the time to enjoy what we've got here for however long we have left.

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