A watershed

Someone said in a comment on yesterday's post that sometimes coming to a decision is a relief in itself and I really do feel that the decision not to take Ash away from home any more was a watershed moment.  As reported,  last week was very sad and the knowledge that it was the last trip away made it all the more difficult but since we've been home I've felt so much better,  Most of the time our holidays have been an adventure usually to somewhere completely new and often for a completely different experience but thinking back over the past three years I've realised that recently we've gone away mostly out of habit.  When I was working full time my summers were spent inside so a holiday somewhere hot was a chance to get out into the sun; a holiday in the snow was a chance to spend my days focusing on staying upright which took my mind off work and being away from home gave us time to talk and reconnect.  Now we're together the majority of the time, I'm at home during the summer and I have no need to find something to take my mind off work holidays aren't the necessity they once were.  I've also realised that in trying to find a holiday which Ash wouldn't find difficult I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and what's the point in that?  It's that thing all over again of changing my mind set and appreciating what I already have rather than looking for something that's out of reach.  So I would love to go skiing in Canada or California again; I would be content sitting on the balcony in Corsica watching the enormous yachts coming in each evening; I would be happy to drive across the Roman Causeway to Osea Island off the coast of Essex; I might crave the peace and quiet of the cottage in Morroch Bay at the bottom of the cliff in Scotland; I could look forward to getting on the fishing boat to get to Comino in the Mediterranean etc.etc but the peace now comes from staying at home and there are worse places to spend my time I've decided.  Why leave home if Ash gets anxious, if I'm exhausted by the time we get there and if I spend the lead up to it worrying that it all might go horribly wrong?  There will still be adventures because I'll make sure of it but they'll be for me and they'll give me something to look forward to while Ash is completely happy where he is.  We've had adventures together but what we need now is peace and that's at home.

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