Pushing buttons

I've said before that we have good days and bad days where  a good day starts with Ash reaching for my hand and commenting on something (anything) that springs to mind and a bad day begins with him lying rigid with panic while he thinks about what's supposed to be happening.  I hate the bad days but we haven't had many of them recently not even when we were away last week.  This morning however we woke really early (5.45am) and it was apparent from the outset that this was going to begin as a bad day.  Things didn't improve as the hours crept on and it became more and more obvious that he was anxious, only over what I couldn't fathom.  We were going shopping so I made the list, said yes to the suggestion that he took the dog for a walk before we left and then got in the car ready to set out but the anxiety and confusion sat between us all the way there and continued as we worked our way around the supermarket.  When this happens Ash will, just like a toddler, emotionally prod me and prod me until he gets a reaction.  In turn I hold out and hold out, determined to stay calm and collected, until he finally finds the right button to press and I lose it.  In the past this would have led to a full blown argument and a meltdown wherever we happened to be but today he just prodded and prodded until I (briefly) lost it, we had a short spat and then he was absolutely fine almost as though he was checking the boundaries and, having found them, knew where he was.  Normal service was resumed and the rest of the trip was great until we got home and then for some reason the anxiety and confusion returned but at least at home I can move to another room to find my own space where I can wait until the mood passes.  I do know Ash doesn't do this on purpose and that he has days where he finds life more than a little difficult but my difficulty is that I know these days will increase in number and this one is just another example of how he's slipping away from me.  However life is never uninterrupted drudgery, I've had friends over this afternoon for a cup of tea and they brought with them early birthday presents in the form of flowers and a beautiful cushion made by one of them and while they were with me some more flowers arrived from another friend and yet another phoned to see if I would be in this evening so she can call with my card and present.  Are you beginning to realise it's my birthday tomorrow?

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Unknown said…
Happy birthday Jane for tomorrow xx
Lesley said…
Do you think he was worrying, knowingly or unknowingly, about your birthday?
Jane said…
Could have been. It's funny but when you're in the middle of something you don't always see clearly and I hadn't thought of that but he would know there was something different about to happen only would have no idea what which is something we'd all find unsettling I think.