Treading water

Do you ever feel you're treading water, that you're swimming against the tide and getting nowhere fast?  I've put strategies in place to make life easier so we watch quiz shows not only because Ash likes them but because it gives us something to talk about; I've learned to go to events on my own if he can't face people; I join friends who ask me to do things with them or they join me if I feel the need for active company (as opposed to Ash who is there but not really there); Jake will come over if I feel a need to escape responsibility for a while; I count my blessings on a regular basis; I bring memories to mind which make me smile but always I feel as though I'm marking time and that this is not how our life was meant to be.  I know this is selfish and that life could be so much worse but it could also be so much better and (although this could be due to the miserable weather I'm staring at through the window) today I really, really wish I could turn back time and we could be the people we used to be.

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Lesley said…
If you didn't feel like this you wouldn't be human. The important thing is that you feel like it but you still keep going. Respect.
Ann said…
Jane, you are NOT being selfish! You have every right to have these thoughts and feelings. Lesley is absolutely correct in her assessment. You are doing your absolute best for Ash,in extremely difficult circumstances, that were not of your making.

Yes, our dreams have been smashed to pieces, BUT the ‘sun will come out tomorrow’ (there will be good moments again). Keep going, try not to dwell on the future (ha, I need to take my own advice!) and keep letting your feelings out are doing a very great thing, by showing us, who are struggling too, that we are NOT alone.

Take care of yourself.