Who is this man?

We have the so nearly 6 year old staying for a few days so I didn't think I would have time to write anything but he's currently cleaning out the fire place with Grumps and I needed to share this morning's episode which happened before we even got up.  You have to understand that Ash was always a pretend 'grump'.  He would groan at the thought of a party; he would moan when we were going away; he would sigh if I planned a day out but it was all pretend and it was a joke.  If he really didn't want to do something he didn't so if he agreed to something it was ok to give him instructions such as, when going to see my mum,  'don't snap', if we were on our way out to a party 'don't look bored' etc.  all part of the joke.  Today the plan is to go to the local garden centre to buy bulbs for planting when we get home.  The so nearly 6 year old and I had chosen what to buy last night and he was very excited but the bonus (for him) was that daddy had said he could buy some tree decorations from the Christmas shop (normally Christmas is banned in this house until 1st December but what can you do?).  We woke up this morning and, as usual, Ash asked what we were doing.  I told him the plan and he said he was coming which was my cue to say 'well don't be grumpy and don't make scathing comments' which, it turned out, meant 'I don't want you to come'.  That thought had never entered my head so you can imagine my bemusement but the problem with this dementia is that it's destroyed the self esteem Ash used to have in abundance and I always forget until it's too late.  We got out of it but the whole thing has left me shaken and once again with the realisation that I not only share this house with a stranger but one who has no idea that he's a stranger which makes life so difficult.  If he really was a stranger who'd only just moved in we'd dance around each other, working out what each of us needed, considering what was meant by a comment, weighing up what would make the other happy but, as he doesn't realise he's a stranger to me (or that I'm a stranger to him), I'm expected to know how he feels at any given moment and I don't.  I know there are strategies to use which will make life smoother for both of us and I do use them but even if life is simpler there is still a great hole where Ash used to be and that will never be easy to deal with.


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Comments

Lesley said…
So tough. How do you train yourself to keep your words 'vanilla' (unlikely to cause any negative reaction) even when you've only just woken up ... or are feeling down or are ill or tired or just want to be honest for once. It's not easy. Really hope you both managed to enjoy the shopping trip with little one though and have found some comfort in him and grumps sharing so much - that's got to be good. xx
Jane said…
The real problem is that you have no idea what remarks are going to be taken badly as it changes from day to day so even though you know you're sharing your life with a stranger he's not a stranger you are ever going to get to know.
Lesley said…
You can only do your best, and you are doing brilliantly despite the inevitable grief - you get it right far, far more often than you get it wrong.
Ann said…
I KNOW sweetheart, I know. X
Jane said…
And I know that you know which helps but still doesn't fill that hole but you know that too.