Like caring for a child?

A few weeks ago, in response to a comment on the post 'Sex and dementia' (27th October), I said that living with Ash now was like bringing up a child.  I have to think for him, organise both his life and mine, plan ahead to avoid melt downs and arrange everything else around him and his needs just as if he were a child.  However, I've thought this through further and realised it's more like looking after an aging parent.  We have a shared history but not a shared sense of humour; I know him well but not inside out; I do what I can for him in response to the things he did for me in an earlier life; I make sure he's safe and well looked after because I have a sense of responsibility but I do all of it as adult to (ageing) adult.  When you care for a child you can see them progressing as a direct result of that care and you know that, if you do it well, they will grow and develop into decent human beings.  When you're looking after an aging parent you can see the effects of making them comfortable, you can see how you're removing the stress from their lives but you also know that they won't ever go back to the parent they were and you know too that the closeness you may once have shared has gone never to return.  Not only that but the person you do know is drifting away from you, gradually at first but with ever increasing speed.  So, if you want to understand what life is like for someone whose partner has dementia, imagine yourself still living at home with parents who are getting frailer by the minute, who have no idea what modern life is like, who no longer think as quickly as they used to, who have to have jokes explained to them and who are totally reliant on you for their well-being.  This doesn't make them bad people or make your life awful but it does you look at them differently.  Some of you reading this may already be looking after aging parents or have done just that in the past but substitute your other half for those parents and then you might get an idea of what we're going through.  I think it's especially hard for those of us who have old age in our lives so much sooner than we expected.  It's not all doom and gloom obviously but it certainly takes some getting used to.


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Comments

Ann said…
Spot on as usual Jane,. This is exactly what it’s like, caring for someone you love who now has Dementia. Sad but true.....

On the positive side, I do find I have more say and control over our lifestyle decisions. I used to think we made them together, but in reality I usually acquiesced to my beloveds choice (for the sake of peace 😉). Now I can give myself a ‘pat on the back’ if my decision turns out to be a good one. Consequently my confidence is growing day by day.

One recent great decision was to buy a Wii Console. The instructions are really easy to follow (for both of us!), it passes these dark winter days when we can’t get out, gives us both some exercise and we are having fun together which has brought us closer. I’m so happy to report it’s been a win-win decision. 😃!
dasntn said…
I always think it's a bit like the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - someone who grows younger as they also get older.
Jane said…
That's odd about the Benjamin Button film because I've thought that a few times recently too. Sometimes life really is stranger than fiction.
Jane said…
We always shared decisions Ann even if most people thought I was the driving force and at first I found it quite scary having to make them on my own. As you say though, the more you have to do it the more confident you get over it all and I don't think twice about it now. Also having to do it for my mum too helps. The more experience I get the easier it all becomes and the better I am at it.