Who is this man?

After years and years of leaving me to get on with putting the decorations up Ash decided today to 'help'.  Up until this point his only contribution has been to put the lights on the tree and lights around the front door and we've managed perfectly well.  Everything has had its place and tradition has been everything but this year is different and I've had to sit on my hands a lot as tinsel has been strung up, candles have been put in places I wouldn't have thought of and the tiny decorative trees I love have found cubby holes I didn't know existed.  It doesn't look awful but it's different and a little unsettling.  This was a man I definitely didn't know but worse was to come.  I've felt very proud of myself recently for coming to terms with what's happening to us, for staying calm at times when I would in the past have hit the ceiling, for being comfortable in my own company and happy with my world.  That was still mostly all there until Ash went out to move the patio furniture into the shed.  I'd even managed to listen to our song, Harry Nilsson's 'Without You' without crying when it came on the radio whereas even a few months ago I would have been in pieces (if you want to know the words go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-ZDKirjQgM).  Anyway back to the patio furniture and the fact that we put it all away every winter and every winter he's had to dismantle the table, put the separate parts under cover and save the screws for next year.  Today he moved the chairs then came in to tell me, anxiously, that the table wouldn't fit in the shed and he didn't know what to do.  I said 'it comes apart' but he didn't want to do that in case we lost the screws.  I was about to tell him to leave it and that I would take it apart later but inspiration struck just in time and instead I suggested we put it under the veranda which runs across the back of the house so face was saved as was the furniture.  My stomach though felt as if someone had kicked it as I realised all over again that bit by bit he's leaving me and however much I think I'm now at one with it something like this happens and I realise I'm not.  However tomorrow is another day and tomorrow I know I'll be ok again so just for now I'm allowing myself to be a little bit sad.

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Ann said…
You’re definitely not alone in these circumstances Jane.

Life for us too is a series of good and not so good moments. Like you, Im trying my very best to deal (calmly) with the not so good times, and reminding myself constantly of the ‘good’ moments. They are still there, even if you have to look hard to find them on occasion.

Having said this, it does help (I hope this doesn’t sound selfish) to know I’m not the only one struggling occasionally.

So in the circumstances, I’m wishing you, Ash, your Mum,Jake and little one the happiest Christmas possible.
Jane said…
It certainly doesn't sound selfish Ann. This blog and the sure knowledge that there are others out there going through the same thing and experiencing the same feelings are what keep me sane. Thank you so much for commenting on such a regular basis. It makes such a difference.

Have a lovely Christmas and keep that chin up.