Sometimes I despair

The last few days have been lovely.  We've both been relaxed, I've tried out some new recipes, we've watched a couple of tv programmes together with no mention of Pointless or The Chase, Ash has been close to his old smiling self and, stupidly, I'd begun to relax.  Then, as usually happens when I relax and think the whole thing is under control, WHAM it all goes pear shaped.  Ash woke up coughing at 4am so, as I was already awake,  I offered to go and make a cup of tea.  Working on the principle that he always has his tablets with the first cup of tea I took those up too and all was well.  As on every other morning, albeit slightly earlier than normal, the radio went on, the curtains were opened so we could watch the sunrise and still all was well, then I made the mistake of falling back to sleep.  Woke to Ash in the middle of a panic attack - 'I don't know what's happening, what we're doing or anything' is all said in an accusing voice and I'm immediately plunged into despair.  I know it's not him, I know it's the dementia and I'm fairly sure that this morning, given the circumstances, the panic couldn't have been avoided but still I'm left feeling guilty and not only that but I'm resentful that I've been made to feel guilty when I know I'm doing my very best.  Anyway I'm writing this at the very beginning of the day partly to get it out of my system and partly to show the rest of you in this situation that you're not on your own.  However saintly we try to be, however hard we work to avoid distress, however much we aim to keep things on an even keel, every so often, and usually when we least expect it, it all goes horribly wrong and we realise all over again that life is no longer normal.  I have high hopes for the rest of the day as I'm walking with one friend this morning and then this afternoon, while my legs are recovering, I have another friend coming for a cup of tea and a chat so by around 4 pm I think I should be back to my usual positive self but sometimes it all feels such hard work.

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