Thoughts difficult to put into words

Been to see my mum today and had the usual conversation.

Mum:     Is Ashley any better?
Me:        No mum.
Mum:    Will he get better?
Me:        No mum.
Mum:    Well at least you've still got him.
Me:        No, I've got someone who looks like him and sounds like him but it's
              not him.
Mum:    Is Ashley any better?
Me:       No.
Mum:    Well at least you've still got him!!!!!

This is one of my least favourite conversations with the exclamation marks and screaming going on in my head because at that point I always come to the realisation that we're not going to get any further and I wonder why I haven't just said 'yes' in answer to the first question.  The conversation also made me think of the other reply, usually equally silent in my head, which is the answer to the comment 'hopefully you've  still got years and years ahead of you'.  Sometimes I'm comfortable enough to give a considered reply but often inside my head I'm just screaming 'Nooooooooooooo'.  If you think this sounds uncaring then I refer you to the conversation I've just had with my mum.

I know from emails I've received since I began this blog that I'm not the only one to think in this way but it's not always easy to admit so it's only thanks to my mum that you got to hear it today.  I love him, I'm totally committed to him but sometimes it's not quite enough however tomorrow is another day, I have a walk with a friend planned and I know I'll feel better afterwards so let's just look forward to that.

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Lesley said…
You're human, Jane. It's ok. It's actions that have impact, not thoughts.
dasntn said…
Jane, you are very much not alone in thinking this. I would imagine most people in this situation have these thoughts sometimes. Sometimes quite often. I know I do.
dasntn said…
Hi Jane

another song (of course) and my most recent on my experiences

The second verse seems appropriate to this posting
"Sometimes I feel my life is resting on a shelf
Waiting for the time when I can dust it off again
Live a life that's full and unrestrained"

Jane said…
You say it so well in your songs David and the questions are indeed 'is this love' or is it 'the call of duty'? I have no idea but think we're all in it until the bitter end so we really need to make the best of what we have. Thank you.