A discovery

I discovered this morning that I can stay optimistic, positive and calm in all of this as long as life trundles along according to plan.  If everything moves along smoothly and consistently I'm ok but as soon as something happens which takes me by surprise I'mm still amazed at how easily I can fall apart.  It happened this morning with something so insignificant that it's not worth reporting but just that one small thing sent me into free fall and made me realise what life must be like for Ash on a permanent basis.  At the beginning of this, and thanks to Penny Garner at Contented dementia, Jake and I learned all about the benefits of making life easier for Ash, of making sure he didn't have to make decisions unless he wanted to, of insuring that the trials and tribulations of daily life didn't affect him and through all of that he began to relax and have confidence in himself to the point where he could function better than he had in a very long time.  Recently I've realised that making life easier for him includes making him feel safe and since I've had that at the forefront of my mind he's able to do so much more than I ever thought possible but there are still blips, still moments when I feel frustrated with myself because I got it wrong, because I wasn't paying attention.  This morning I realised how important that feeling of safety really is, how crucial the routines are, how important it is not to make unnecessary changes.  Feeling safe and knowing exactly what's going to happen next may not be the most exciting way to live but if that's what it takes then that's what I'm going for and in the sure knowledge that it will help both of us.

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Sarah H said…
Human frailty is OK - don’t beat yourself up . . . because by far for most of the time you get it right.
Jane said…
Actually I wasn't beating myself up then as I think everyone is struggling to do the right thing at the moment and as long as we manage it the majority of the time then I think we're doing ok but it made me realise that the moments which are most difficult for me are those when I feel life suddenly tilting into something unrecognisable and that's how Ash must feel so much of the time. It was quite a leveller.