Doing things just for me

Yesterday I went to have my hair cut, looked in the mirror, took a deep breath and asked to go 'short'.  I haven't had short hair for years and years, and mostly because Ash liked it longer, but for a while now I've been thinking I wanted something different and, given the opportunity, I went for it.  So what's changed?  You might think I did it because he no longer notices much about me but actually that's not strictly true at the moment.  For the past couple of weeks he's commented occasionally on what I'm wearing, the fact that I've put make up on (we'd had an argument and I looked awful so decided to cover it up and, shallow person that I am, it instantly made me feel better) and how I look so he might notice but in fact I did it for me.  I've discovered over the past two years, and especially the past few months, that I don't need Ash's approval to feel good about myself, I don't need to reflect in his admiration, I can appreciate myself for me and that's a very liberating feeling.   It's also a very good thing because it's one of the things he's noticed and he doesn't like it.  But I do which is what's important because I refuse to be a martyr to the cause and also I know that if I feel good then it will be better for both of us.

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