Sometimes .........

Sometimes, not often but just sometimes, sadness settles on me like a blanket and this is one of those times.  The sun was shining, I was out in the garden but I couldn't seem to shake the feeling and couldn't quite figure out why so I did my usual thing of thinking around it, examining it from all sides and I finally realised that it was because of my lovely day out.  As Jake gets older he's becoming more and more like Ash;  he has that joy of the world, that thirst for action and adventure, that sense of humour and that ability to work out a plan of action at the snap of his fingers just like Ash used to have so spending Saturday with him reminded me of what life used to be like before dementia struck.  And those thoughts made me realise all over again how much life has changed and how far we've come from it all.  And then, all over again, I realised how we'll never get back to that life, how there's no chance we'll ever return to normal and suddenly not only sadness but grief struck me and suddenly I was in the depths of despair and I cried.  I haven't done that for quite a while now and it took me by surprise, filled me with wonder that I still hadn't come to terms with it all but then again I've no idea why I was so surprised as, if not each day, certainly each week there's evidence right in front of me of how things are changing.  Mostly I notice what Ash still can do but every so often I'm struck by the things I used to take for granted that are no longer there.  The most recent is his struggle with language as he grapples to find the words he wants but then I remind myself of the very beginning of all this when he barely spoke at all and know I should be grateful that life, although different, is certainly better than it was two years ago.  I said some of this to a friend earlier and she said that, knowing me, I would soon start to focus on the positives of my day out again and she was right, as the day has moved on I can actually feel the sadness begin to lift.  It hasn't totally gone but by tonight I know I'll feel better only I'm not sure that the lovely days out are really worth the aftermath both with Ash and with my thoughts.

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