There is always a reason

Yesterday was difficult.  I knew it was going to be difficult when Ash came downstairs first thing and apologised for something he thought he'd done which was nowhere in my memory at all.  I managed to reassure him and then went off on my 'hunting and gathering' exercise leaving him to walk the dog, clean the fire out, get the coal in and all those other morning jobs he does.  Came home at lunch time to find him in great spirits but with a sore knee so he decided not to come out with me to walk the dog. Lovely walk in the peace and quiet of the countryside but then back home to Ash in a vile mood, snapping at me when I said I was going to make a cup of tea, snapping at me when I commented on the quiz show he was watching, snapping and snapping no matter what I said or did and my heart sank.  I also however examined what I'd said and what I'd done to see why he was behaving in this way and for the first time I couldn't think of a single thing I could have done differently and I couldn't come up with a single reason for the way he was behaving which was to be frank just horrible.  If I can understand the reason you see I can rationalise it and that makes it easier to accept but yesterday afternoon it seemed to be just a fact which meant there would be no way of avoiding the situation recurring and that was a bit of a downer.  So that was my thinking until yesterday evening when I went onto Twitter and saw something from @theDAWNmethod which said 'As caregivers, we must strive to understand our companions’ point of view. They face constant threats to their self-worth. It is demoralizing to never be in charge and to always be less able—particularly after a lifetime of competence and independence' and suddenly it all made sense. Ash had mentioned the shopping trip several times over the week, he'd checked what I'd put on the list and gone through the cupboards to add the things I missed and, when I thought about it, that was almost the last thing he'd been in charge of before dementia really kicked in. He used to draw up the list, buy the groceries, create the menus, cook the meals etc etc. This input has reduced and reduced over the past 2 years and pushing the trolley round while holding the list and crossing things off as they were added to the pile was almost all that remained of that responsibility and now even that has been taken away from him. He wasn't being difficult it was just that once again his self esteem had taken a body blow and he was reacting to that. You see, there is always a reason if you look hard enough.



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Comments

dasntn said…
Hi Jane

I think there is a time along this dreadful journey when being able to identify the reason for someone's mood is no longer possible - I'm pretty sure I'm at that stage with Catriona, although one of the "benefits" of being further down the road is that she is seldom in a bad mood any more. In the early days saying the wrong thing could put her in a mood that lasted for days, so one thing that seems constant is change!

all the best
David
Jane said…
Things are definitely better here than they used to be but I'd put that down to me dealing with things in a more understanding way so you've just burst that bubble of self satisfaction David! But at least there are benefits to moving further down the line which is nice to know.
dasntn said…
Jane

didn't mean to burst any bubbles - I'm sorry! I'm sure that your ability to deal with it better is a major factor in making it easier.
Jane said…
the problem with typing comments is that it's difficult to know when someone's joking. It takes quite a lot to burst any bubbles of mine David so don't worry and it's always useful to know what might be lying in wait for me further down the line.
dasntn said…
I hoped that was the case!

I'm sometimes wary of posting too much about my experiences as they can sound negative, and Ash may well follow a completely different path. What I have found is that world definitely shrinks as you go forward, and can't leave the person alone unless there is someone with them. We passed that stage several years ago, so I can't really remember what life was like before. But the flip side is that in the beginning I was permanently on egg shells, in case I mentioned the disease to Catriona, or was caught on the phone talking about it or her - she hated both. Now she is totally unaware of the disease, so it is much easier to make calls, and discuss anything with people .

She seems happiest now when in the bathroom, talking to herself in the mirror, which frees up a lot of my time to do things round the house. I don't think this is a common behaviour with the disease, from what I've seen online.

David
Jane said…
I had a friend whose wife was happiest left on her own watching 'Dirty Dancing', Ash is happiest left on his own listening to Radio 2 or watching the news. They are all different but I think it's nice to know that we're all in this together when we're dealing with unexpected challenges and changes. No-on else can possibly know what it's like to see your best friend slowly fading away and changing into someone you don't recognise and to know that it's all going to come to an end far sooner than you ever expected.