But what about loyalty?

For the past few weeks I've been suggesting that a way through this life, which is sooo not the one I had planned, is to dream of the future, to think of all the things I still want to do, to draw up lists and, in fact, to have an exit strategy.  For several years I worked for a children's charity and my job roles always revolved around funding with an end date and an exit strategy for when that funding finished and I've realised this is much the same.  I don't have an end date any more than anyone else in my situation but I do know there will be an end to it all and I know that, for my own sanity. I need to have a plan for then.  So I think all this and I say some of it and then I hear faint rumblings in the background as some people ask/think 'but what about loyalty?  What about loyalty to Ash and the life you had?'.  Some of this may come from people who have no idea what it feels like to live with someone they no longer recognise but often it comes from those in my situation who feel guilty about thinking of 'afterwards' because it feels disloyal.  The thing is I really don't feel it's disloyal.  Ash and I got together as teenagers and we moulded each other.  Friends who knew us then said recently that he grounded me and he did.  He introduced humour into my life, he taught me to laugh at myself and to not take life so seriously, he made me feel good about myself and he gave me a confidence that I hadn't had before.  All of that is still there and now to muddle along for the next few years only to emerge at the end not knowing what to do next seems such a waste of the person I am now and a waste of the me that Ash helped to create.  We're lucky (I think) in that Ash's decline is slow, he still loves the life he has and he's happy living here with friends around him but he really isn't the Ash I knew and loved so I don't feel guilty about my future plans and I've given myself permission to make more of them.  Doing that does not diminish what went before but, I think, validates the choice Ash made when he saw the potential in me all those years ago.  In actual fact I think he would be proud of me and my coping strategies and I feel, finally, that my life didn't come to an end with that diagnosis.


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Comments

Cornwall Girl said…
brilliant piece Jane
Jane said…
thanks. Sometimes I think we just need to realise there is a life beyond this.
Unknown said…
Well said ❤
Jane said…
thank you.
Carol said…
I think it is brave to plan this way Jane. I think of it as a way of keeping strong for M. I don’t feel disloyal, as the person I married 50 years ago and had children with, laughed and loved with, is sadly not the person who depends on me now.
Frank said…
You are far better off planning a future than clinging to a past. I wish I were more like that as I tend to cling to the past, even live in the past. Letting go is what life is about. After you have let go, you must move on. Therefore, you must have a plan. You have time to plan, revise your plan and make new plans. Those plans will certainly have to be changed again when you get there.
Jane said…
You're right Carol about the person you used to love no longer being there and I've known that for a long time. What made the difference I think was the realisation that the the present is about him but the future is now about me. Frank, I think that if you put enough detail into your plans for the future then there really is no reason why they should have to be changed. Tweaked perhaps but not changed.