What keeps me here?

Have spent a lot of today tidying and sorting my new seating area in the garden and you'll be pleased to know I love it just as much now as I did yesterday, in fact probably more because today I sat out there and had my lunch which meant I had time to admire it all in detail.  I seem to spend a great deal of time at the moment sitting in the garden pulling weeds from flower beds and gravel paths and it gives me head space to ponder the important and less important things going on in my life right now.  Today's pondering took me on the course of wondering what keeps me at Ash's side through all of this, what keeps me in a life which is so much less than I expected, so much narrower than I would like, when others might have cut and run.  People say it must be because I love him so much but how can that be when I don't even know him?  I live with a stranger who thinks only of himself and I come so far down his list of important items that I might as well be at the very bottom but still I find it has never once occurred to me to move on.  Just in case you're horrified by this train of thought I have to tell you that some people do move on and they obviously have their reasons; many more stay but with bad grace which seems to me to be such a waste of everyone's life, if you're going to stay at least do it with a good heart.  So what is it that keeps me here when, for the past five years at least, things have been so difficult?  For one thing we've been together now for forty four years and married for almost thirty eight of those so some of it could be habit, a 'better the devil you know' train of thought, but there's also commitment both to Ash and to making this life the best it can be for both of us and then there's the fact that, on 11th September 1982, we stood in front of 100 people and repeated those marriage vows, the ones where we promised to love and cherish 'for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health'.  The years leading up to that moment involved a lengthy battle with all the grown ups who were quite sure our relationship wouldn't last so why go to all that trouble if we didn't mean every word we said.  And, finally, as someone said to me yesterday, maybe it's the memory of that past love that sustains me through the difficulties now.  Whatever it is I'm here for the duration but at the same time I can see my way through and am building a life just for me right now.  Oh, and just in case you're interested, even all those years ago when I was a very young 21 year old, I didn't promise to 'obey'.

Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivered straight into your inbox, just remember to click on the validation email (which may be in your junk mail/trash box).  You can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the web address www.memoryfortwo.com or you can email me at memoryfortwo@gmail.com if you have anything you want to say privately.  You can also now follow me on twitter, just search for Memory For Two, and you can find me on facebook https://www.facebook.com/Memory-for-Two-287197572048864.