Challenges raise their ugly heads again

I hope by now that you're thinking I'm the most positive person some of you have never met but I've discovered that there are limits to my positivity and today has been full of challenges.  The morning began badly and got worse to the point where we were shouting at each other in one of those now rare circular arguments that enter your life the minute dementia comes calling.  I should have known better and usually I do but this morning for some reason I allowed myself to be prodded and pushed into a discussion that went nowhere other than a downward spiral and all because of the chalk board for recording dog walks.  If you remember I'd introduced it when Max, who's 11, was left aching from all the walks he was taken on each time Ash didn't know what to do with himself.  The chalkboard was to help limit the number of daily walks and Ash has resisted it every step of the way.  In fact only yesterday he stormed out of the house on his own because he wanted to go out and couldn't take the dog.  This morning I decided I'd make his life easier by getting rid of the board but, stupidly, did it without warning as I was meeting up with friends for a walk and needed to get out of the house.  When I told him he could take Max where he wanted and whenever he wanted just as he used to do all hell broke loose and the shouting began.  Apparently the new system was working perfectly, he knew what he had to do and when and I was stupid for thinking any differently, With hindsight I know exactly how I should have played it but hindsight is a wonderful thing and all I could see at the time was that I was going to have to cancel a catch up with friends for the second time in two weeks because he was in such a state that I couldn't leave him.  So I cancelled the catch up, spent the morning cleaning the house (not an activity conducive to soothing my mind) and hope the dog walking situation will resolve itself.  The thing is that I know this isn't him, I know he can't help shouting when he's unsettled and I know that logically I'm the person he's going to take his frustration out on but knowing all of that sometimes really doesn't help and when he says horrible things to me it hurts.  We're told again and again that it's possible for those living with dementia to live well with it and I think that's true but one of the biggest delusions is that the rest of us can live well with it too.  Sometimes we can but at other times, with the best will in the world, it just seems like one long struggle.

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Comments

Karen said…
I struggle with the notion that everything must be done to keep our LO happy. My happiness counts too and I can’t imagine living for even a few years with feeling unhappy and empty. It is a job to keep pumping myself up to be happy. If I don’t keep him happy though I will eventually get the brunt of that.
Jane said…
and that's the key isn't it. If I can keep Ash happy then my life is improved too, if he's miserable my life is difficult. the trick then is to remember all of that and keep our spirits up and sometimes I'm human enough to find it beyond me.
Lorraine said…
I always read your posts as I hope that eventually, I'll reach at least some semblance of the positivity that you have achieved (I'm a year behind you on this 'journey') but have to confess that sometimes, I can't cope with or appreciate your 'cheeriness', especially if I've had a particularly bad day! So I really hope that you won't be offended when I say that this post made me feel (slightly!) better about myself than I have for a very long time! Since this cruel disease robbed me of my husband, I struggle constantly not to be resentful of this, often difficult, belligerent replacement who now lives here and am much 'snappier' than I ever was during our 40 years together and I really don't much like this new version of myself. Your honesty in admitting to, what is for you, an uncharacteristic reaction to Ash's behaviour reassured me that maybe I'm not alone after all.
Jane said…
I'm not sure how long you've been following the blog Lorraine but the new, cheery me usually in evidence is a fairly recent creation and certainly a year ago when I was probably where you are now life wasn't particularly cheery at all. I said recently that I think I've broken through a pain barrier and that's helped so much but there are days when I really struggle it's just that, for me, if I don't focus on the positive I feel so much worse and I just got fed up of feeling bad. I too no longer recognise the man who shares my life. I often don't like him and I don't see how I can love him because I don't know him but I can't leave and so I make the best I can of my life. am pleased yesterday's post struck a chord and you're not the only one to say so. think today's might too when I get it posted.