We're on the up again
Yet again I've got to the end of the day and achieved absolutely nothing, except of course that I have achieved something. I haven't managed to clean the house or wash the car or mow the lawn or do the weeding or complete the paperwork for my new car but I have managed, yet again, to get Ash out for a cup of tea this morning. He's almost always happy now to go out with me in the car but in the past he'd have preferred to stay there to sit and wait for me. Now however if I can get him out of the village in the first place I just tell him that we're going for a tea/coffee and he's happy to join me which is a huge leap forward and the more he does it the more confident he becomes and the more fun we seem to have. It's still not like it was of course; there's still a complete lack of emotional connection, if I reach for his hand he pulls away, if I try to cram too much into one trip out he panics and on and on but life is better than it was. Not only that but he seems to be able to talk about his situation to others more easily and able to admit that there are things he can no longer do. Yesterday, when we were out with friends, he suddenly laughed and said 'I'm getting a new car'. Because he'd laughed I felt comfortable with saying 'no you're not' and he laughed even harder and said 'no, my chauffeur here is the one getting the new car and she's going for a bright red sports car'. This ability to laugh at something which, only a very short time ago, had him in deep despair makes a huge difference to the atmosphere in the house. So life is still far from perfect but it's a very long way from the depths into which we were once sunk.
Am writing this update an hour after I published the original post. I'd finished checking what I'd typed, pressed 'publish' and then went through to light the fire only to find Ash sitting in front of the tv in a 'fog' of confusion. No idea what day it was, where he was or what he was watching. I really should have expected it I know but even with all recent experiences to fall back on I still think that, when things are going well, this is how it's going to be, that we're over the worst and that this is something I can cope with. I'm always, always disappointed but equally I never fail to bounce back at the first sign of improvement so I have high hopes for tomorrow..
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