A difficult start shows a way forward

A very difficult start to the day when Ash woke in a blind panic because he couldn't remember a single thing about yesterday.  There are obviously an awful lot of things he doesn't remember and mostly he can laugh them off nowadays but this morning was different, a whole day had disappeared into a black hole and, although he tried and tried, he just couldn't work out where it had gone.  It seemed as though, unlike previous times, that the day just wasn't there which meant there was nothing to get hold of, just a void where there should have been at least one memory.  I had no idea what to do and no way of making him feel better so we lay in bed while his brain was in turmoil and I discovered once again how selfish I am.  There was a walk arranged you see, to be followed by lunch, and it was the very first of my birthday treats arranged with two of my oldest friends (over 50 years of friendship and counting) and I really, really didn't want to cancel.  Leaving Ash in that state however wasn't an option so while he was struggling I was trying desperately to find a way out of the situation and as much for my sake as for his.  In the end I suggested we got up, thinking that it would at least distract him a little, and then went out for my run.  When I got back he was a bit better but still not at the point where I was comfortable leaving him and the planned walk meant leaving the house at 9am so I messaged, explained and asked if we could just do lunch instead.  Because they're the very best friends a girl can have they agreed straight away which meant I could relax and focus on Ash so had breakfast and then made him some cheese scones which are his favourite.  By the time I needed to leave the house for lunch he'd sorted wood for the fire tonight, written things in his diary and felt useful again so the crisis was over and I could leave him in the fairly sure assumption that he would be ok.  Once again though it's worth noting that, just because the day began with a crisis, it didn't mean that the entire day was ruined.  Am so thankful I didn't cancel the whole treat because then I would have missed out on lunch, a long, long chat with people who still think of me as a wayward teenager, flowers and a wonderful present.  Also the chance to have three hours of something approaching a normal life, an experience that should not be underestimated.

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Anonymous said…
Selfish?! I don't think so. Looking after your own mental health so you are able to care for Ash is not selfish ❤
Jane said…
That's very true but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty sometimes.