Plans are afoot

 You might be relieved to know that I'm no longer in reflective mood and am now looking forward again.  I know we're still in November and I wouldn't normally dream of planning for Christmas until that all important date of the 1st of December but that's exactly what I've started doing and all in the cause of keeping my spirits up.  Last year we survived Christmas and in many ways it was lovely.  We spent time with family and friends, there were presents and celebrations BUT the minute we put the tree up and the decorations came out anxiety struck and Ash started asking those all important (to him) questions.  When were Jake and the 6 year old arriving?  Where were we spending the big day? What would we be eating?  Who was cooking?  on and on until I began to see that decorations were not the way to go.  They were the trigger for his anxiety, they were unnecessary and I wouldn't do it again.  That was fine and noble of  me and self sacrificing but it did seem to mean that this year would be a little dreary.  Last year Ash and I dispensed with present giving between the two of us and there was no celebratory Christmas lunch so it felt as though, without the decorations, there would be nothing left of the Christmases of old which were always big affairs with surprises, special breakfasts, singing, champagne, Christmas stockings and magic all around.  I was a little despondent then when thinking about the big day this year and thinking that it would be one more memory to store away.  Then Jake and I took the now 7 year old to the local garden centre which has one of the biggest, most mesmerising Christmas shops we've ever seen and I saw a very tasteful globe which I treated them to and that set in motion a plan to make life just that little bit more magical all over again.  Do you remember how I felt about my birthday right up until I decided to buy that bright red sports car and collect it on the day and somehow that turned everything around and I had one of the most fun birthdays ever?  Well, as soon as lockdown lifts (which luckily will be in the all important month of December), a friend and I are going shopping for new Christmas decorations.  I love the ones that are stored in the loft because each and every one of them holds memories - where they were bought, who I was with, why I liked them - but they're too much for Ash.  They're busy and colourful, there are lights everywhere, there's tinsel (lots of it) and that's what made him anxious I think, the thought that he would be expected to live up to the Christmas Ash of the past, so I'm going to start from scratch and go tasteful and minimalist; understated and calm; a few things, not many and the image I have in my head is of a beautifully decorated house which will make us both happy.  I've actually seen these decorations in the past and been very tempted to buy them but they wouldn't have fitted in with what we already had so I left them wistfully alone.  Now I have my chance and I'm going to grab it with both hands.  Watch this space to see how the plan goes but whatever happens there'll be fun before the big day.

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