The Christmas effect
Silly me. Fancy thinking that I had everything under control, that Christmas-related anxiety could be kept at bay and that this festive season would be calmer than the last one. Everywhere we look the big day is lurking and if it's not that on the tv it's the uncertainty brought into our lives by Covid 19 and it seems Ash no longer knows which way to turn. As we made our way through the village to deliver cards to friends we've known for ever he couldn't work out who lived where; when I mentioned some place I'd driven through 'we' had an intense discussion on exactly where I was talking about; when we pulled the fridge out to discover why it was leaking all over the floor I was given a VERY long lecture on exactly how a fridge works and now he's started tidying up and putting things away. This last is so out of character that it rendered me temporarily speechless which, as my friends will tell you, is a very rare event indeed and I'm constantly on alert because if he puts something away when I'm not looking I may never find it again. So all of this is stressful for him but equally it's stressful for me because I have to be one step ahead at all times. All of that is difficult enough but the one event recently which stopped me in my tracks was Ash waking in the very early hours one morning last week and asking where he was. Not only that but he wanted to know how he got there and when. Then he wanted to know how he could get back to sleep. At the time he was laid on his back and he kept repeating again and again 'so if I lie like this I'll go back to sleep', 'so if I lie like this I'll go back to sleep' ................ Eventually I went downstairs to make a cup of tea and he managed to lift himself up onto his side to drink it but then, the scariest thing of all, he couldn't work out how to get back down again. In the past, if I've had a deadline of any sort I've focused on that deadline and told myself that if I can just get to that day life will begin to get easier and that's exactly what I'm doing now. Life will be easier in three days time and in the meantime I'm gritting my teeth, putting a smile on my face and doing the best impression of a swan I can manage. And I do have that chainsaw to look forward to.