A look knocks me sideways
Ash is having a bad day today and it's making life a little uncomfortable. The first part of my morning was lovely with a video chat amongst friends followed by a session outside in the sunshine with my dearly beloved chainsaw which is fast becoming my favourite possession. I filled the basket with logs and then looked up to find Ash had come out to see if I wanted the full (heavy) basket carrying back to the house. The answer to that was of course a very grateful 'yes please' and a smile but I did notice the smile wasn't returned. Not a problem because it isn't always and I was still filled with post-chainsaw joy. It was when I came back inside then that the reality hit me. I went into the kitchen and made some happy comment only to see Ash look at me with something approaching dislike in his eyes which caught me off guard and briefly knocked me sideways. Now I do know this isn't the real him and the intelligent part of me understands that it probably wasn't even a look directed at me but the fact remains that this man has been by my side for over forty years and not once has he looked at me like that. Until dementia came along he never looked at me with anything other than love, admiration and a smile which almost permanently lit up his whole being but now everything's different and sometimes it's hard to come to terms with. Luckily I do know, deep down, that this isn't him, that the real Ash would never, ever think like that and that the old him would never, ever do anything to hurt me. Luckily too I've built up a confidence in myself that I never knew existed and I'm actually wondering right this minute whether all the new skills I've acquired and experiences I've had to deal with have been part of the process which will allow me to deal with this new part of our lives. As I said at the beginning, this isn't a comfortable day but neither is it the end of the world because I seem to have developed a resolve of steel which tells me I can get through this and it's not anyone's fault just something to be worked through until we're at the next stage.
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