Someone has just posted a very interesting comment on yesterday's post talking about how we change and why, what makes us who we are, whether circumstances make the difference or whether we don't change but instead hidden skills come to the fore when we need them. So lots and lots of things to think about but there was a light bulb moment in there for me and I really can't believe I didn't realise it before. I've been at Ash's side through all of this and at no point since that diagnosis have I thought of leaving. Even in the days when I felt as though I was hanging on by my fingertips and that if I let go even for a moment I'd go into free fall, even when I felt as though I was in the middle of a pinball machine ricocheting every which way off the posts, even when I felt my life had narrowed to the point where I thought I'd lose my mind, I didn't consider for one moment that I might abandon him but when I tried to reason it out I couldn't uderstand why. People have said I'm a saint which is so far from the truth I can't even bring myself to think about it; they've said 'you must love him so much' but how can I when I don't know him? So why I wonder has it never occurred to me to duck out from this responsibility, to live the life I want, to abandon this stranger who now shares my life and then I read that comment which talked about loyalty and I realised 'that's it'. Loyalty to someone who brought joy into my life, who taught me how to have fun; who made sure I didn't take myself too seriously; who worked and worked to make sure we had everything we needed; who never said no to anything I wanted to do and who moulded me into someone capable of dealing with this very thing. That one comment made me realise that there isn't much that's stronger than loyalty and it explains everything about my commitment to this new way of living. The commitment to stay doesn't get in the way of my dreams for the future however so that's still a discussion to be continued. Watch this space and keep the comments/emails coming. I find every one of them more fascinating, comforting and helpful than you could ever imagine.