A point of refence

There are dates in the calendar where I'm brought up short by the memories of days gone by.  Birthdays, Christmas, wedding anniversaries and, as today, Valentines Day.  It's a long time since this day of romance has been a big thing in our lives but in the past it was always recognised and acknowledged.  In the very early days, when we were teenagers, there were big padded cards and cuddly toys; then there were cards, presents and a special meal, then cards and the meal but no presents; still there then, not a huge deal but something for the two of us and today I've looked back and realised how far and how quickly we've moved from that to where we are now.  This day three years ago was only a couple of months after Ash's diagnosis and not much had changed.  I have no idea what we did but that just shows things were still fairly normal; this day in 2019 cards were exchanged meaning Ash had remembered but no special meal and no comment from him;  this day last year I bought him a card (and hid it then promptly forgot where I put it which is a whole other story) but he'd forgotten completely which was sad but not unexpected and then we come to this year where I was aware of it just because, even in lockdown, it was impossible not to walk into a shop and be swamped with pink and red.  The interesting thing as far as I'm concerned though is that it never occurred to me to mark the occasion, to buy a card or to make something of the day.  Last year I didn't because I knew it would make Ash uncomfortable but this year I know it's because we've come so far from the people we used to be, from the life we shared, that it would be meaningless.  Once upon a time that would have had me in despair but it's a reality we live with now on a daily basis and I've discovered it doesn't make me sad.  Things have changed and we've moved on but I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere and, for both of us, that seems to be the most important thing of all.

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