Anything is possible
We have snow and thick ice on the roads out of the village right now and I'm sure, if you've been following this blog for even a short amount of time, you'll have guessed that in the past I had no need to negotiate these driving conditions because. of course, Ash did all the driving. To be honest he loved nothing more than to be driving in ice and snow and thought it was great fun if his truck skidded while we were out but that makes no difference to my story because all you need to know is that this morning he would have driven us to do the grocery shopping. Instead I set off in my smart, slightly muddy, bright red car and got halfway up the hill before coming to a halt because of thick ice. The car refused to go any further forward so there was no option but to reverse back the way I'd come which seemed much further than I remembered. Luckily no-one else had been silly enough to attempt that route so I managed to get back to the road through the village and went the way I should have gone in the first place if only I'd had my brain in gear. No further incidents marred my morning so all was well with the world but it was yet another new experience I was a little unprepared for but that I could feel proud of myself for getting through.
That then was this morning. This afternoon I was out with my beloved chainsaw, digging out logs and random pieces of wood Ash has been not so carefully piling up over the past few years when I suddenly thought back to those months following his diagnosis. I was so frightened, terrified in fact, of how I was going to cope, who I would get to help do all the things that Ash had done and even whether or not we'd have to move. I couldn't imagine how we'd survive and yet here I am gradually learning how to do more and more and, I think, doing far more than just surviving. I'm not saying I do any of it as well as he did and there are things I'm never going to be able to tackle partly because he had such strength and I'm a positive weakling but I find now that I'm willing to give most things a go and I'm getting through it all with a much lighter heart than I would ever have thought possible. This really is a life changing experience and not necessarily all bad I've decided.
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