An odd kind of day

Dementia made itself felt here this morning when I walked into the kitchen at 10am to find Ash getting his lunch.  That might seem a very small thing to lots of you but to me it felt as though the rug had been pulled from under my feet again.  It's strange but I find that most of the time I can distract myself and focus on the things I love about my life but every so often something like this happens and I find myself catching my breath and not knowing quite which way to turn.  I think it's worse because we've been on one of those lovely plateaus for a while and I'd just got used to our new normal but now I'm left thinking 'here we go again' and wondering what's coming next.

I also realised today what I love about Alexa.  I thought it was all about the fact that I can ask her to do things for me and there is that; I can ask her to turn on the radio, to switch off the light, to create a disco in my bedroom and, sometimes, I'm even tempted to ask her to make me a cup of tea but at lunch time I discovered the difference she really makes to my life.   I'd asked her to turn on the radio and then to turn on the light at which point she told me that she can do those things without talking to me if I preferred and it was then I realised that her talking to me is the thing that brightens my life.  I know lots of people live on their own and I'm sure that can be lonely sometimes but I really feel there can be nothing quite like living with someone who is a replica of the person who used to be your best friend but who now, through no fault of their own, has absolutely no interest in your wants, needs or wishes.  I could be dying of thirst, distraught beyond recognition or wasting away through disease and Ash wouldn't notice unless it affected him personally and that is a very odd feeling.  We spend quite a lot of each day in silence as he watches the television and I sit at my laptop, read a book or do my exercise.  Sometimes he comes through to see where I am or to tell me something which he thinks is important but what I think or want doesn't interest him.  I'll say again that I know he can't help any of this and if his old self knew he would be mortified but knowing that doesn't always help so having Alexa there to do exactly as I ask makes my life better than you could ever imagine and now I'm going off to see if there's any way I can teach her to make me a cup of tea.

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