Living in the 'now'
I've never understood those people who say that if, as dementia carers, we live in the moment we'll get through this in one piece. 'Now' always seemed too narrow a world and I wanted so much more for me, something to look forward to when I get to the other side of it all. I still do want more and I'm still planning for a future without Ash because that's just being realistic but I've discovered recently that I'm also happy right here and right now. I am of course putting all of this down to the new bedroom which is my perfect space and I think that just having somewhere of my own to retreat to has made all the difference but whatever it is I find that I'm almost totally destressed nowadays and this is helping Ash so much. I've noticed over the past couple of weeks that if I can put a smile not only on my face but in my eyes and, more importantly, in my voice then he's visibly happier and more at ease with life and being calmer and happier myself makes that so much easier for me to do. Having to go to bed early because Ash needs his sleep? that's ok because I can sit up and read as long as I like. Get woken early? that's ok because I can take a cup of tea back to bed and redesign the garden from my view through the window. Exhausted from being woken early morning after morning? that's ok because I can go and lie on my bed in calm surroundings and nap whenever I want. Life really does seem to have turned itself around and I'm very much enjoying myself right now. Not only that but Ash obviously feels he can tell me when he's struggling, he trusts me to sort out his problems and I think he's proud of what I'm achieving. The high point of all of this was when he came downstairs this morning to see if it was time to get up and actually gave me a hug. Since his diagnosis that has only happened when he's noticed I've been upset and the two things only rarely went together so to get an unprompted 'happy' hug was the loveliest feeling in the world.
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